Tuesday | September 19, 2017
SJC To Hear Challenge To Affordable Beer Act
Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg leans forward as she attempts to hear the case.

WASHINGTON (CAP) - The United States Supreme Court has agreed to hear arguments on the legality of the Affordable Beer Act, a new regulation designed to ensure low income families have access to the same alcohol options as higher income families.

"For far too long, lower income lushes have had to suffer through the swill that is Old Milwaukee and Pabst Blue Ribbon," said Brent Forrester of the Gentleman's League for Beer on Tap. "They deserve to get drunk on something of higher quality. Something with a head."

Opponents of the law say the government needs to "stay out of the American liver" and instead focus its efforts on "rooting around in our wallets." They point out that welfare recipients can already purchase whatever beer they want with their EBT cards and fraudulent Social Security checks.

"If the government really wants to help, how about more easily accessible keno machines?" said Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX). "Our brothers and sisters suckling on the state teat have nothing to do all day except watch Judge Joe Brown.

"Let's at least add a little spice to their daily grind," he added.

Justices will take up the case starting on Monday, after getting soused on a variety of the beers in question the weekend prior. Legal scholars say drunk justices deciding a case could set a precedent for increased public interest in supreme court proceedings.

- CAP News Staff

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The man credited with inventing the "Safety Is My Goal" and "How Is My Driving?" bumper stickers that spoke for a generation of livery drivers succumbed to injuries sustained after being rear-ended by a box truck «» The newly revamped tourist attraction will feature a gift shop, a food court, and a stack of three-ring binders with pictures of fish that visitors can thumb through «» Federal government's plan to release thousands of non-violent prisoners contingent upon them to "remember what Uncle Barry did for you" and make sure they vote Democrat in the next election «» New education reform bill replaces D's and F's with frownie-face stickers to soften the blow and help kids "feel successful even in their failures" «» Congressional oversight committee says it has "new information" and is reopening Iran-Contra investigation, will have Oliver North testify as soon as Hillary Clinton is done «» Judge Judy to replace Ruth Bader Ginsburg on Supreme Court as part of effort to bring more wit and sarcasm to proceedings and appeal to 18-49 demographic «» President Obama invites kindergarten student to White House whose finger and thumb were mistaken for a gun at recess, but Secret Service has him wear a mitten on the hand "just in case" «» Rowan County Clerk Kim Davis now refuses to offer marriage licenses to straight couples, saying after three divorces she just doesn't believe in marriage at all anymore «» State Department investigation finds Hillary Clinton did email secret family recipes from her server, but either withheld or encrypted key ingredients «» Experts say the best way to combat this is to make Aunt Midge sleep on the pullout sofa which will wreak havoc on her sciatica and eventually force her to seek a better night's sleep at a local hotel «» Experts say terrorists have been hording coupons for Bell's stuffing for months, forcing many Americans to either pay full price or go with bland, dry generic boxed stuffing «» The limited-time only beverage is available in Rancid or Sludge flavors mixed with one or two scoops of yesterday's coffee grounds and is served in a black cup only to those who verbally denounce all organized religions when ordering «» Inspired by their Missouri brethren, Wolverine players refuse to take the field and will "focus solely on their studies" until the University retains more attractive cheerleaders «» The ACLU is fighting the company's decision to pull the popular t-shirts from store shelves, saying it will unfairly force society's outcasts back to shopping at K-Mart for their apparel needs «» Critics say while the shake is indeed delicious, it's too soon after the Russian airline disaster to try to capitalize on it and note the company should "give it another month or so" «» Instead, half a dozen moderators will take the stage and fire barbs at each of the candidates and then see who can provide the most sarcastic response in their absence «» Both Hewlett-Packard companies announce they're each splitting into five new companies to create a voicemail tree so complex that none of them will actually need any customer service reps to answer phones «» Jasmine V confirms she was knocked up by alien abductors, plans to keep the baby to help fight stereotypes of young Latina women who are pregnant with extraterrestrial offspring «» The Conservative Liberals In Transition Outreach Intervention Society announces its support of Hillary Clinton; CLITOrIS members say she brings "the right amount of vagina" to the table «» New Halloween app Treatr allows kids to tap pictures of neighborhood houses to trick or treat, saves "all that time walking" and increases candy acquisition rates by 72% «»