WASHINGTON (CAP) - The United States Supreme Court has agreed to hear arguments on the legality of the Affordable Beer Act, a new regulation designed to ensure low income families have access to the same alcohol options as higher income families.
"For far too long, lower income lushes have had to suffer through the swill that is Old Milwaukee and Pabst Blue Ribbon," said Brent Forrester of the Gentleman's League for Beer on Tap. "They deserve to get drunk on something of higher quality. Something with a head."
Opponents of the law say the government needs to "stay out of the American liver" and instead focus its efforts on "rooting around in our wallets." They point out that welfare recipients can already purchase whatever beer they want with their EBT cards and fraudulent Social Security checks.
"If the government really wants to help, how about more easily accessible keno machines?" said Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX). "Our brothers and sisters suckling on the state teat have nothing to do all day except watch Judge Joe Brown.
"Let's at least add a little spice to their daily grind," he added.
Justices will take up the case starting on Monday, after getting soused on a variety of the beers in question the weekend prior. Legal scholars say drunk justices deciding a case could set a precedent for increased public interest in supreme court proceedings.
- CAP News Staff