Friday | November 24, 2017
Senate Passes Keystone Lager Pipeline Bill

WASHINGTON (CAP) - The United States Senate has put its stamp of approval on New legislation that calls for the construction of a pipeline between Colorado and Virginia to deliver Keystone Beer to the East Coast. If the House passes the bill, lager could begin flowing as early as next year.

"How do you like that Republican-controlled Senate now?" said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY). "Once we're funneling beer to two thirds of the nation, we should be able to pass any shit we want.

"And if our constituents start sobering up, we just need to increase production," he added. "Who would argue with that?"

Although the bill received unusual bipartisan support, Democrat alcoholics wanted to hold out for something harder. Sen. Ed Markey (D-MA) said Massachusetts deserves a steady flow of the whiskey after the winter his state has endured.

"Keystone Beer? Really? That's the best America can do?" Markey said. "Why don't we just funnel some Old Milwaukee throughout the country while we're at it?

"No wonder Europe doesn't respect us," he added. "First David Hasselhoff, and now this."

To help garner support from the states through which the pipeline will run, the bill calls for spigots to be installed at various points along the way. Most state regulations will only allow residents to fill up to two gallons at a time at the taps.

"On the one hand, my first instinct would be to hoard is much as I can," said Kentucky resident Chester Peterson. "But if I can just fill 'er up every day when I go play my Keno, the 'Publicans have got my vote."

Construction of the pipeline is expected to create hundreds of jobs and thousands of alcoholics, resulting in a net-zero change to the unemployment rate.

- CAP News Staff

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