Tuesday | September 19, 2017
ISIS Draws Beards, Mustaches On American Currency

MOSUL (CAP) - A new series of videos has surfaced online showing members of the terror group ISIS scribbling facial hair on various denominations of U.S. paper currency. The White House called it "a heinous act" that will not go unpunished.

"We have stood idly by while they have committed untold atrocities, but this - this will not be tolerated," said President Obama. "We will ask them to stop and if they don't, we will ask them again, but more firmly."

This news comes on the heels of a video showing ISIS members destroying timeless artifacts and yelling in Arabic that "smashing things is fun." Experts question whether the terror group has "jumped the shark" and actually lost its edge.

"For a group hell bent on beheading anything with a neck, this does seem kind of sophomoric," said independent terrorism consultant Omar McNalley. "Not to mention that their artistic skills need some work."

The group's defacing efforts include goatees on Andrew Jackson, Groucho Marx glasses on Abraham Lincoln, and folding one dollar bills in such a way as to create a wrinkled phallic symbol out of George Washington. Congressional leaders agree that the time is right to take decisive political action.

"If we could just locate these ISIS people, I would definitely vote to impose sanctions on them," said House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH). "If they just had a headquarters, or a listing in the Yellow Pages, or an org chart - something - this would be so much easier."

If caught, the perpetrators could face up to six months in jail and a hefty fine. Lawmakers say while that may not deter terrorism completely, it does put a stake in the ground and "help protect the capitalism we hold dear."

- CAP News Staff

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