Tuesday | September 19, 2017
Massachusetts Issues Lizza D Warning

BOSTON (CAP) - The state of Massachusetts has issued a Lizza D warning to motorists, urging those who travel the Commonwealth's roadways to take extra precaution as necessary. Many say they will take heed.

"I saw the sign as I drove onto the Expressway, and I immediately locked all the doors," said Quincy resident Mickey Silverman. "Then I called my wife and had her draw all the shades in the house. Can't be too safe."

State police say they are prepared and have ramped up safety measures, including arming all officers with beanbag shooters and tear gas. Official say it's tough facing an unknown enemy.

"We do not know who Lizza D is or why the state has issued a warning about her," said Massachusetts State Police Superintendent Col. Timothy Alben. "But better safe than sorry if she is anywhere near as dangerous as the sign makes her out to be."

Still others are throwing caution to the wind, leaving snowblowers uncovered in their driveways and pets unsupervised in the backyard. Somerville resident Shay Dickinson told CAP News the eight-foot wall of snow bordering his yard is all the protection he needs.

"You know what, Lizza D can suck it, that's what I think," he said. "Lizza and that friggin' horse she rode in on. I got your warning right here, you filthy ho."

The warning expires tomorrow, likely to be replaced with a Lizza D Watch for the next couple of days. Coastal areas and some watershed communities will remain under Lizza D Advisories for the forseeable future.

- CAP News Staff

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The man credited with inventing the "Safety Is My Goal" and "How Is My Driving?" bumper stickers that spoke for a generation of livery drivers succumbed to injuries sustained after being rear-ended by a box truck «» The newly revamped tourist attraction will feature a gift shop, a food court, and a stack of three-ring binders with pictures of fish that visitors can thumb through «» Federal government's plan to release thousands of non-violent prisoners contingent upon them to "remember what Uncle Barry did for you" and make sure they vote Democrat in the next election «» New education reform bill replaces D's and F's with frownie-face stickers to soften the blow and help kids "feel successful even in their failures" «» Congressional oversight committee says it has "new information" and is reopening Iran-Contra investigation, will have Oliver North testify as soon as Hillary Clinton is done «» Judge Judy to replace Ruth Bader Ginsburg on Supreme Court as part of effort to bring more wit and sarcasm to proceedings and appeal to 18-49 demographic «» President Obama invites kindergarten student to White House whose finger and thumb were mistaken for a gun at recess, but Secret Service has him wear a mitten on the hand "just in case" «» Rowan County Clerk Kim Davis now refuses to offer marriage licenses to straight couples, saying after three divorces she just doesn't believe in marriage at all anymore «» State Department investigation finds Hillary Clinton did email secret family recipes from her server, but either withheld or encrypted key ingredients «» Experts say the best way to combat this is to make Aunt Midge sleep on the pullout sofa which will wreak havoc on her sciatica and eventually force her to seek a better night's sleep at a local hotel «» Experts say terrorists have been hording coupons for Bell's stuffing for months, forcing many Americans to either pay full price or go with bland, dry generic boxed stuffing «» The limited-time only beverage is available in Rancid or Sludge flavors mixed with one or two scoops of yesterday's coffee grounds and is served in a black cup only to those who verbally denounce all organized religions when ordering «» Inspired by their Missouri brethren, Wolverine players refuse to take the field and will "focus solely on their studies" until the University retains more attractive cheerleaders «» The ACLU is fighting the company's decision to pull the popular t-shirts from store shelves, saying it will unfairly force society's outcasts back to shopping at K-Mart for their apparel needs «» Critics say while the shake is indeed delicious, it's too soon after the Russian airline disaster to try to capitalize on it and note the company should "give it another month or so" «» Instead, half a dozen moderators will take the stage and fire barbs at each of the candidates and then see who can provide the most sarcastic response in their absence «» Both Hewlett-Packard companies announce they're each splitting into five new companies to create a voicemail tree so complex that none of them will actually need any customer service reps to answer phones «» Jasmine V confirms she was knocked up by alien abductors, plans to keep the baby to help fight stereotypes of young Latina women who are pregnant with extraterrestrial offspring «» The Conservative Liberals In Transition Outreach Intervention Society announces its support of Hillary Clinton; CLITOrIS members say she brings "the right amount of vagina" to the table «» New Halloween app Treatr allows kids to tap pictures of neighborhood houses to trick or treat, saves "all that time walking" and increases candy acquisition rates by 72% «»