Tuesday | September 19, 2017
U.S. Offers France Pick Of Any Celebrity For Next Peace Rally

WASHINGTON (CAP) - The United States is promising France that the next time they have a national tragedy and are hosting a unity march, they can select any American celebrity they desire to represent that country at their cause. This news follows a rally in Paris attended by world leaders from 40 countries except the United States.

"We are very sorry that we sent, umm, what's her face, the, uhh, ambassador gal there, instead of someone anyone has actually heard of," said White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest. "President Obama meant no harm and doesn't want anyone to take this is any sort of international snub.

"In fact, he adores your country," Earnest added. "He loves your deep fried potato strings, and your toast, and your style of green beans."

Although the U.S. has offered up "any celebrity who has graced the cover of a tabloid," the Obama administration is creating their own punch list of the best options for France, taking into account each celebrity's charisma, positive outlook, and gross box office receipts.

"Certainly, an affinity for French culture couldn't hurt since they will definitely want to squeeze in some shopping and dining around their outward show of support," said White House Chief of Staff Denis McDonough. "We just want to make sure we're putting our best foot forward because France deserves that. Next time.

"Think Denzel Washington in The Equalizer," he added. "Not Jamie Foxx in Annie."

In addition to today's popular stars, the list also includes post-tragedy stalwarts like George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio and Scarlett Johansson's breasts. In fact, reports say Sean Penn began rowing across the Atlantic as soon as he heard about the attack, in the event anyone needed to be rescued by boat.

"Yes, Oprah Winfrey is on the list, but her availability depends on how many new schools in Africa she's breaking ground on that particular day," said McDonough. "Oh, and we can't forget Al Gore. You know, just in case someone attacks the environment."

The White House reiterated the United States' commitment to providing the highest caliber of disimpassioned response to international tragedies, noting that "when we overreact, the terrorists win."

"And let's face it," said Obama. "Who would you rather see: Angelina Jolie or my black ass?"

- CAP News Staff

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