Friday | November 24, 2017
Mass. Rights The Ship By Electing Blonde White Guy As Governor

BOSTON (CAP) - The state of Massachusetts took the first step to correcting eight years of movement in the wrong direction by reelecting William Weld as governor, who previously served in that capacity from 1991 to 1997. Many did say he has aged well since last holding office.

"Oh, sure, he goes by the name Charlie Baker now, but it's Bill Weld," said 46-year-old voter Lenny Upton. "You can't fool a fellow Irish boy from Southie - although, you can confuse us with 10th grade math."

Voters were tasked with choosing between a twice-baked Bill Weld or a refried Kerry Healey, neither of whom were apparently appetizing enough to even garner an actual majority of the votes. Pundits say overcoming Jane Swift's ghost must be too much for female candidates.

"We almost went from a black guy to a woman, which is like the gateway drug to putting a gay guy in office," said 52-year-old voter Kevin Walsh. "We'll let them get married here, but I'll be damned if they're gonna run my state.

"Deval Patrick already spent enough money on drapes for the state house as it is," he added. "We need a few years with a white guy in office before we can get all progressive again."

In other election news, former Mass. Sen. Scott Brown was beaten by a girl for the New Hampshire Senate seat, despite his deep New Hampshire roots. He attributed the loss to having run a clean campaign, something he says he will never do again.

"The family and I are actually packing up and moving to Connecticut to take up residence there," said Brown as he loaded boxes into his pickup truck. "That way I'll be ready to run for their Senate seat by 2016.

"Believe you me, I will find a state that will take me," he added. "Anyone know if Rhode Island is using all of its Senate seats?"

Elsewhere, formal Providence Mayer Buddy Cianci has won that city's mayoral race by default after competitor Jorge Elorza mysteriously turned up dead. Cianci called it "a stroke of luck" and said he welcomes anyone to run against him in the next election.

- CAP News Staff

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