Tuesday | September 19, 2017
North Korea Fires A Couple Missiles For Attention
Kim Jong-un leans forward to push a button to launch a missile, or do the hokey pokey - we're not sure which.

PYONGYANG, North Korea (CAP) - Reports out of the Pentagon say North Korean leader Kim Jong-un has launched a couple of missiles at a pair of uninhabited islands off the coast of that country, apparently upset that "nobody paying attention to us anymore." One missile landed harmlessly in the water, and the other destroyed a grove of trees.

"Satellite imagery shows these to be the new D Class of Attention-Seeking missile," Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel said. "But we're not too concerned because we did pick them up on our Early BS Detection System."

According to the South Korean news agency, Kim Jong-un had grown despondent as the world turned its focus away from his nation and toward Africa and the Middle East. He was reportedly pouting and stomping his feet so much that he had to have surgery to repair torn cartilage and has been walking with a cane ever since.

"You think Ebola so big and bad?" Kim said in a prepared statement. "You just wait until you contract case of Kim Jongitis, or Missilethelioma! Then you know pain!"

Experts say the enormity of the international focus on Ebola has clearly put a cramp in Kim Jong-un's narcissistic style. They point out that the only thing worse than an insane dictator is an insane dictator nobody is paying attention to.

"Actually, we're planning on sending Dennis Rodman back over there to keep an eye on things," said Deputy Secretary of Defense Robert Work. "Think Jack Black in Gulliver's Travels, but with more tattoos and piercings."

The White House released a statement saying that despite appearances to the contrary, President Obama has not forgotten about North Korea, noting that he had recently sent Kim Jong-un a Thinking Of You card. However, Obama said he never received a response.

"Sure, he doesn't have any problem finding the time to forward me all those emails," said Obama. "And if I get one more Instagram of what that guy had for lunch, I'm going to lose it.

"Listen, the leader of the free world sends you a note or soft money or thousands of troops to keep your ass in line, uhh, the least you can do is acknowledge it," he added.

According to CAP News sources inside North Korea, Kim Jong-un plans to continue launching missiles at arbitrary targets until he receives "the attention deserving of a despot" and may even bump off a few more family members to really drive the point home.

- CAP News Staff

SHARE STORY
MORE world NEWS
RELATED STORIES
LEGAL
ALL MATERIAL IS

SATIRE

AND ©2005-2017 BY CAP NEWS
Experts say the best way to combat this is to make Aunt Midge sleep on the pullout sofa which will wreak havoc on her sciatica and eventually force her to seek a better night's sleep at a local hotel «» Critics say while the shake is indeed delicious, it's too soon after the Russian airline disaster to try to capitalize on it and note the company should "give it another month or so" «» Russian President Vladimir Putin sends President Obama map of the Middle East with Syria circled, suggests the U.S. "try bombing over here instead" «» Chinese President Xi Jinping storms off, condemns U.S. after President Obama refuses to share White House wifi password during dignitary's visit «» Pope Francis announces new line of All-Beef Vatican Hot Dogs with proceeds of Pope's Franks benefiting victims of clergy abuse «» White House switchboard lighting up with calls from other Middle Eastern nations looking for that "sweet nuclear deal" that Iran got «» Instead of just 40%, Walmart says it will now donate 65% of proceeds to the Syrian refugee crisis from the sale of its "I Fled Syria And All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt" t-shirts «» New survey finds most parents of young adult terrorists long for the days when kids were more apathetic and just played video games «» Experts say terrorists have been hording coupons for Bell's stuffing for months, forcing many Americans to either pay full price or go with bland, dry generic boxed stuffing «» The man credited with inventing the "Safety Is My Goal" and "How Is My Driving?" bumper stickers that spoke for a generation of livery drivers succumbed to injuries sustained after being rear-ended by a box truck «» The limited-time only beverage is available in Rancid or Sludge flavors mixed with one or two scoops of yesterday's coffee grounds and is served in a black cup only to those who verbally denounce all organized religions when ordering «» Inspired by their Missouri brethren, Wolverine players refuse to take the field and will "focus solely on their studies" until the University retains more attractive cheerleaders «» The newly revamped tourist attraction will feature a gift shop, a food court, and a stack of three-ring binders with pictures of fish that visitors can thumb through «» The ACLU is fighting the company's decision to pull the popular t-shirts from store shelves, saying it will unfairly force society's outcasts back to shopping at K-Mart for their apparel needs «» Instead, half a dozen moderators will take the stage and fire barbs at each of the candidates and then see who can provide the most sarcastic response in their absence «» Both Hewlett-Packard companies announce they're each splitting into five new companies to create a voicemail tree so complex that none of them will actually need any customer service reps to answer phones «» Jasmine V confirms she was knocked up by alien abductors, plans to keep the baby to help fight stereotypes of young Latina women who are pregnant with extraterrestrial offspring «» Federal government's plan to release thousands of non-violent prisoners contingent upon them to "remember what Uncle Barry did for you" and make sure they vote Democrat in the next election «» The Conservative Liberals In Transition Outreach Intervention Society announces its support of Hillary Clinton; CLITOrIS members say she brings "the right amount of vagina" to the table «» New Halloween app Treatr allows kids to tap pictures of neighborhood houses to trick or treat, saves "all that time walking" and increases candy acquisition rates by 72% «»
Experts say the best way to combat this is to make Aunt Midge sleep on the pullout sofa which will wreak havoc on her sciatica and eventually force her to seek a better night's sleep at a local hotel «» Critics say while the shake is indeed delicious, it's too soon after the Russian airline disaster to try to capitalize on it and note the company should "give it another month or so" «» Russian President Vladimir Putin sends President Obama map of the Middle East with Syria circled, suggests the U.S. "try bombing over here instead" «» Chinese President Xi Jinping storms off, condemns U.S. after President Obama refuses to share White House wifi password during dignitary's visit «» Pope Francis announces new line of All-Beef Vatican Hot Dogs with proceeds of Pope's Franks benefiting victims of clergy abuse «» White House switchboard lighting up with calls from other Middle Eastern nations looking for that "sweet nuclear deal" that Iran got «» Instead of just 40%, Walmart says it will now donate 65% of proceeds to the Syrian refugee crisis from the sale of its "I Fled Syria And All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt" t-shirts «» New survey finds most parents of young adult terrorists long for the days when kids were more apathetic and just played video games «» Experts say terrorists have been hording coupons for Bell's stuffing for months, forcing many Americans to either pay full price or go with bland, dry generic boxed stuffing «» The man credited with inventing the "Safety Is My Goal" and "How Is My Driving?" bumper stickers that spoke for a generation of livery drivers succumbed to injuries sustained after being rear-ended by a box truck «» The limited-time only beverage is available in Rancid or Sludge flavors mixed with one or two scoops of yesterday's coffee grounds and is served in a black cup only to those who verbally denounce all organized religions when ordering «» Inspired by their Missouri brethren, Wolverine players refuse to take the field and will "focus solely on their studies" until the University retains more attractive cheerleaders «» The newly revamped tourist attraction will feature a gift shop, a food court, and a stack of three-ring binders with pictures of fish that visitors can thumb through «» The ACLU is fighting the company's decision to pull the popular t-shirts from store shelves, saying it will unfairly force society's outcasts back to shopping at K-Mart for their apparel needs «» Instead, half a dozen moderators will take the stage and fire barbs at each of the candidates and then see who can provide the most sarcastic response in their absence «» Both Hewlett-Packard companies announce they're each splitting into five new companies to create a voicemail tree so complex that none of them will actually need any customer service reps to answer phones «» Jasmine V confirms she was knocked up by alien abductors, plans to keep the baby to help fight stereotypes of young Latina women who are pregnant with extraterrestrial offspring «» Federal government's plan to release thousands of non-violent prisoners contingent upon them to "remember what Uncle Barry did for you" and make sure they vote Democrat in the next election «» The Conservative Liberals In Transition Outreach Intervention Society announces its support of Hillary Clinton; CLITOrIS members say she brings "the right amount of vagina" to the table «» New Halloween app Treatr allows kids to tap pictures of neighborhood houses to trick or treat, saves "all that time walking" and increases candy acquisition rates by 72% «»