Friday | November 24, 2017
Walmart To Sell Salvation In Select Cities

BENTONVILLE, Ark. (CAP) - Hot on the heels of the announcement that Walmart will begin selling insurance comes word that the retailer will also begin offering salvation at a handful of stores across the country. Company officials call it a natural progression for the store that sells everything else.

"Have you seen the people of Walmart? No one Is in need of salvation more than those sorry folks," said Chief Marketing Officer Steve Quinn. "Salvation, and a great price on windshield wipers - plus all of your kitchen appliance needs.

"Really, we have it all," he added. "Although, we did discontinue the dead babies."

Pricing for the salvation will vary depending on location, as well as individual needs and hardships. After months of research into shopper demographics, the company decided to pilot the new offering in a dozen stores all located south of the Mason-Dixon line.

"Shoppers will find the salvation in the same aisle as the firearms," said Executive Vice President Of Sales Innovation John Aden. "Most likely right on an endcap, that way they don't have to look too hard.

"We are billing it as our new Praise The Lord, Pass The Ammunition program," he added. "Although, not necessarily in that order."

Shoppers with whom CAP News spoke were excited about the addition to the store's retail offering, especially since many Walmarts are open 24 hours a day, but church is only open "wicked early on Sunday mornings." However, Little Rock, Ark. resident Rhett Haskins said he is not a fan of the proposed product placement.

"I think the salvation should be hangin' aside the condoms and other prophylactics," said Haskins. "'Cause when I bed my buddy Jimmy's wife while he's out on his business trips, that's when I'ma need some salvation - know what I'm sayin'?

"In fact, it would prolly be good if they sold 'em in a two-pack," he added. "She's not gonna be able to 'splain that itchin' to easily, I bet."

Salvation now join the likes of bail bonds and paternity testing as the newest merchandise that Walmart hopes sets it apart from other department stores. However, plans to sell gift cards to local escort services in the wine aisle have not yet been approved by the board of directors.

- CAP News Staff

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