Tuesday | September 19, 2017
Wesleyan University Mandates Coed Restrooms By 2017

MIDDLETOWN, Conn. (CAP) - Wesleyan University has announced plans to move forward with a proposed effort to desegregate all restrooms on campus and make each of them coed. School officials say the move is intended to improve gender tolerance.

"At Weslyan, we're proud of our innovative approach to problem-solving," said President Michael Roth. "Within a couple years, the great rift that separates the students' bodies will no longer divide the student body."

The news comes on the heels of the university's decision to require all fraternities to become coed by 2017, a move intended to create an environment more conducive to sex. Conversely, officials say coed restrooms should have the opposite effect.

"Nothing makes that cute coed in your frat less attractive than listening to her grunt one out in the stall next to you," said Board of Trustees Chairman Joshua Boger. "And once the women get a taste of how bad the guys' aim is, it'll be enough to turn them all lesbian."

Reaction to the change has been mostly positive, with 63% of women polled by the college newspaper The Wesleyan Argus believing more men will become toilet seat aware as a result. 97% of men polled said the change "sounded good to [them]" as long as they could continue to relieve themselves while standing.

"College is about trying new things, like political activism, or Shawarma, or peeing with girls," said student Gary Boyle. "I think it'll be a good experience, and now I won't have to visit those bathroom cam websites."

Construction begins early next year to install urinals in the women's restrooms, along with two-gallon jugs of hand sanitizer. No alterations are expected in any of the men's restrooms.

"They got urinals, they got stalls - men's rooms are more than equipped to handle anything women can throw at them," said Facilities Manager Jeff Sweet. "Maybe somewhere down the line we will add bidets, but certainly not in this budget."

Wesleyan reportedly has other coed efforts in the pipeline as well, including the men's wrestling team, the Unwed Nursing Mothers support group, and The Young Misogynists of America club.

- CAP News Staff

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