Tuesday | September 19, 2017
Kids Not Told To Sit Down, Shut Up Nearly Enough, Study Finds

MINNEAPOLIS (CAP) - Researchers at the University of Minnesota have found that children spend too much time debating and talking back to their parents and too little time just sitting down and shutting up. The study blames parents for enabling the argumentative and independent behavior.

"On a scale of one to WTF, we were amazed at how much energy parents expend trying to reason with their children," said study author Dr. Kyle Williams. "We found that 17 out of 20 problems are more soundly resolved with a quick backhand and a simple shut up."

Researchers noted that the sit down command could be used in place of a backhand where a physical response might not be appropriate. They also pointed out that demanding a child to sit down without also requiring him or her to shut up has little to no impact on the child's overall behavior.

"Parents need to realize that children can multitask, and in fact do it quite well," said Williams. "That is, as long as the TV isn't on.

"If the TV is on, you might as well be issuing your commands in Swahili," he added.

The study followed 750 people who identify themselves with Generation Y and plotted their life course based on the type of parenting each received. A definitive 38% of children who were never told to just sit down and shut up for once eventually became hardened criminals.

"Tough love is obviously more important than we realize," said researcher Deanna Montgomery. "Society has already fucked up a couple of generations, but it's not too late for our children.

"Well, unless you're the child of an NFL player, then it's probably too late for you," she added.

The results will be published in the magazine Parenting, along with 15 Creative Ways To Tell Your Kids To Zip It, Getting The Most Out Of Your Expletives, and Making Them Cry Just A Little: The Secret Trick Every Parent Should Know.

- CAP News Staff

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