Friday | November 24, 2017
Kanye West Performs In Cemetery, Demands Dead Rise
West pauses for a photo-op before fulfilling his beautiful, dark, twisted fantasy to sing to the deceased.

SYDNEY (CAP) - Singer Kanye West stormed out of an Australian cemetery yesterday, refusing to finish a performance when the dead would not rise from their graves and clap along. He insists he did no such thing.

"No, what I said was, Imma let you stay dead if that's what you want," West noted. "But I said if y'all want to rise up, gather 'round, we'll rock this place to the ground.

"I know they can't clap on account of their rotted limbs and all," he added. "I'm not an idiot."

This latest incident comes on the heels of a show West did at a Perth nursing home that saw four residents injured when members of his posse took their walkers away, not believing the senior citizens truly needed them. A fifth was declared dead after West halted his performance because the ticking of the man's pacemaker was annoying him and demanded that he "turn that damn thing off."

"I'm real sorry that man died, but I gotta run my show the way I gotta run my show," said West. "On the plus side, now he can go to my next cemetery concert."

Fans have come out in support of West, pointing out that he has not beaten his wife or child, the new de facto standard for determining a person's societal worth. However, critics counter that he also has not saved any kittens stuck in trees.

"Listen, I'm a Christian family man who's Christian, and has a family," said West. "If I want wheelchair peoples to walk, it's only because that's what Christian family men in wheelchairs do. They walk."

To ensure that his recent issues don't repeat themselves, West's promoters have already reached out to the producers of the Life Is Beautiful Music Festival in Las Vegas to have all chairs removed ahead of the October shows and tickets resold as standing room only.

In other news, West's endorsement deal with The Scooter Store has been canceled due to creative differences.

- CAP News Staff

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