Tuesday | September 19, 2017
Study Links Living To Higher Risk Of Death

STANFORD, Calif. (CAP) - A new study in the American Journal Of Medicine finds that sentient beings who are alive stand a much higher risk of death than those who are not.

Further, the study suggests that the risk of death continues to increase the longer the being is alive.

"We believe our analysis is valid for non-sentient beings as well, but we'll need a bit more research before determining whether those results are conclusive," said study author Dr. Willoughby McDaniels. "But if I had to guess, I'd say yes. Yes, they are."

Researchers noted that while certain factors play an integral role in determining the level of risk associated with living, death is "almost always" the end result.

"We are fairly certain - I would say to within five nines," said associate researcher Terence Atkinson. "We'll need another grant and a couple more years if we're going to call it 100%."

Researchers acknowledged that their study did not take the zombie apocalypse into account, noting that it's conspicuous absence was not due to misguided efforts or disinterest, but merely a lack of test subjects.

"Zombies are like the Schrodinger's cat of the undead," said McDaniels. "Except, you know, Schrodinger's cat wasn't real."

The study involved over 700 volunteers who were living at the time of their participation, plus another 250 who opted out of the study by succumbing to the symptoms associated with being alive.

- CAP News Staff

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