Friday | January 30, 2015
Texas To Execute 15 For Charity

DALLAS (CAP) - Texas officials are reportedly mulling over plans to turn its energetic execution program into a lottery-type system that would benefit state charities, according to an anonymous Texas Corrections Department source.

The lottery would only cover 15 executions, initially.

"Nothing is set in stone at this point, but yes, it is being considered," said the official. "The current plan on the table is to use the state lottery structure to sell tickets, then we'd have a drawing, then we'd get an Executioner For The Day."

The EFTD would be responsible for pushing the buttons necessary for the lethal injection mechanism to work.

"This would be a great opportunity for those looking to see the process up close, and charities like Toys For Tots would benefit greatly," he added.

The official denied that the program would be called The Slaughtery or that the electric chair would be reintroduced to increase ticket sales.

If approved by the Texas Corrections Department and the governor, the first tickets could go on sale within six months.

- Rich Gray
Contributing Writer

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President Obama concludes trip through Midwest to explain salient points from State Of The Union for that part of the country that only reads at a third grade level «» American comedians announce indefinite hiatus on "smelly Frenchman" jokes to give nation time to heal, will heckle Portuguese instead «» U.S. State Department denies it is behind putting glue on Kim Jong-un's toilet seat, where he was stuck for nine hours yesterday «» The National Association for the Advancement of Colored Double Amputees launches nationwide protests against police brutality of unarmed black men «» CIA sends 200 agents to UDC Community College for waterboarding refresher course to prepare for up and coming international terrorist groups «» Nation's blacks unsure who to turn to for sage advice on Ferguson situation now that Bill Cosby is just a sexual predator «» Detroit celebrates exiting bankruptcy with subprime mortgages for the first 10,000 unqualified homebuyers who can falsify a loan application in under 60 seconds «» Newly retired Jeff Gordon cited for driving in breakdown lane, said he was "going nutty" sitting in traffic «» Congress passes new 'Right To Lie' law for politicians with less than six months left to serve before re-election «» Patriots caught trying to sneak snow-making machine into University of Phoenix Stadium for competitive advantage during Super Bowl «»