Monday | May 25, 2015
Texas To Execute 15 For Charity

DALLAS (CAP) - Texas officials are reportedly mulling over plans to turn its energetic execution program into a lottery-type system that would benefit state charities, according to an anonymous Texas Corrections Department source.

The lottery would only cover 15 executions, initially.

"Nothing is set in stone at this point, but yes, it is being considered," said the official. "The current plan on the table is to use the state lottery structure to sell tickets, then we'd have a drawing, then we'd get an Executioner For The Day."

The EFTD would be responsible for pushing the buttons necessary for the lethal injection mechanism to work.

"This would be a great opportunity for those looking to see the process up close, and charities like Toys For Tots would benefit greatly," he added.

The official denied that the program would be called The Slaughtery or that the electric chair would be reintroduced to increase ticket sales.

If approved by the Texas Corrections Department and the governor, the first tickets could go on sale within six months.

- Rich Gray
Contributing Writer

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America's homophobes lobby in favor of gay marriage to "keep them off the streets" and protect the sanctity of the bar scene for straight men «» Protesters in Baltimore are congratulating themselves on "a job well done" and say Freddie Gray would have wanted nothing more than for them to destroy their hometown and all get arrested «» After avoiding jail for sharing state secrets with his mistress biographer, David Petraeus said if he had to do it all over again, he would because "the sex was really, really good" «» New York City vows to reduce its output of white trash by 90% over next 10 years, promises better class of resident "to make country proud" «» Utah becomes first state to offer stoning as death penalty option, saying it's a criminal's right to have their head bashed in «» A letter sent to the White House has tested positive for proper grammar and punctuation, leading to speculation that it must have come from overseas «» New York latest state to ban sneezing while driving, calling it the third most distracting event for drivers behind texting and masturbation «» Justice Department issues subpoena for all computer files related to Hillary Clinton's 2012 online journal, "My Benghazi Blog" «» JP Morgan Chase to dismantle Detroit and sell it for parts, saying the demand overseas for after market American cities is strong «» Taylor Swift reveals she was behind extreme censoring of Kanye West song at Billboard Music Awards, telling him "Imma not let you finish" «»