Friday | March 27, 2015
Texas To Execute 15 For Charity

DALLAS (CAP) - Texas officials are reportedly mulling over plans to turn its energetic execution program into a lottery-type system that would benefit state charities, according to an anonymous Texas Corrections Department source.

The lottery would only cover 15 executions, initially.

"Nothing is set in stone at this point, but yes, it is being considered," said the official. "The current plan on the table is to use the state lottery structure to sell tickets, then we'd have a drawing, then we'd get an Executioner For The Day."

The EFTD would be responsible for pushing the buttons necessary for the lethal injection mechanism to work.

"This would be a great opportunity for those looking to see the process up close, and charities like Toys For Tots would benefit greatly," he added.

The official denied that the program would be called The Slaughtery or that the electric chair would be reintroduced to increase ticket sales.

If approved by the Texas Corrections Department and the governor, the first tickets could go on sale within six months.

- Rich Gray
Contributing Writer

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A letter sent to the White House has tested positive for proper grammar and punctuation, leading to speculation that it must have come from overseas «» New York latest state to ban sneezing while driving, calling it the third most distracting event for drivers behind texting and masturbation «» Justice Department issues subpoena for all computer files related to Hillary Clinton's 2012 online journal, "My Benghazi Blog" «» President Obama urging Americans to take part in the Homeland Security magazine drive to help fund the country's anti-terrorism efforts after the department's budget runs out this Friday «» President Obama concludes trip through Midwest to explain salient points from State Of The Union for that part of the country that only reads at a third grade level «» American comedians announce indefinite hiatus on "smelly Frenchman" jokes to give nation time to heal, will heckle Portuguese instead «» NSA offers voucher to Israel for free course on spying and other illicit surveillance to help them not get caught next time «» NFL announces plans not to broadcast half a dozen Oakland Raiders games next season, offers cash prizes for anyone who notices which ones «» Starbucks nixes plans to raise awareness of racial inequality by allowing patrons to only purchase drinks that match the color of their skin «» Audubon Society reports birds returning to Massachusetts for spring are "confused as shit" and not sure where to go until it warms up «»