Sunday | November 19, 2017
Judge Says NSA Cholesterol Surveillance Legal
At the NSA headquarters in Fort Meade, Md.

NEW YORK (CAP) - A federal judge in New York has ruled that the collection of data on American cholesterol levels by the NSA is legal and can continue unabated, rejecting an argument by the ACLU that the agency "isn't a doctor and doesn't even play one on TV."

In a 53-page opinion, U.S. District Judge William Pauley noted that "people aren't watching their cholesterol, so someone has to," saying that the program represents the government's "counter-punch" to understand hidden costs associated with federally mandated healthcare.

"If people are going to suckle at the teat of government healthcare, that government has the right to perform a rectal exam on the people," Pauley wrote on page 45 of his opinion, well after most had stopped reading. "If you maintain a low LDL, the government is your friend."

News of the NSA's vast library of cholesterol data came to light after leaker Edward Snowden posted on his Tumblr feed that Americans eat too much fast food and not enough fiber and leafy greens. Many questioned how he knew that and pointed out that Snowden wouldn't say something if he didn't have the data to back it up.

"You don't even want to know what the government knows about nitrates," Snowden told CAP News through use of a vox box to disguise his voice. "Let's just say the hot dog industry has paid good money to keep that information hidden."

The ACLU has stated it will appeal the decision on behalf of every American who has ever dined at Red Robin and believed their diet soda and side house salad combine to offset the caloric intake of their chili-smothered cheeseburger and tower of fried onion rings.

"America was founded on truth, justice and saturated fats," said ACLU spokesperson Claire Montagne. "We categorically reject the notion that the threat of heart disease requires citizens of a democratic country to surrender the greasy goodness of every food ever featured on Diners, Drive-Ins & Dives."

A separate case filed in the U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals in Washington is seeking to apply double jeopardy rules to instances where Americans were surveilled twice when talking about their cholesterol levels while on the telephone.

- CAP News Staff

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