Sunday | January 25, 2015
NFL To Limit Post-Game Locker Room Wedgies
NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell explains the league's new wedgie rules with the aid of visuals.

NEW YORK (CAP) - With the investigation into NFL locker room hazing still ongoing, league officials have announced the release of a new player behavior code whose intent is to protect players and keep their underwear intact.

"Article two, section three as relates to wedgies in the locker room strictly forbids the practice prior to games and limits the size of post-game wedgies to six inches above the waistline of said player's pants," said Commissioner Roger Goodell as he announced the new rules.

Goodell noted that a Hanging Wedgie, whereby the player receiving the wedgie would be hung by the waistband of his underwear, would only be permissible following games during which the player in question had been responsible for at least two turnovers and his team lost the game.

"Under no circumstances should a player involved in a victory feel as though his first stop after leaving the stadium would have to be at Walmart to buy new underwear, no matter how poorly he played," noted Goodell. "This is especially true during playoffs when comfortable genitalia are key to a team's success."

Other sections in the new rules provide guidelines for many of the various types of wedgies, the specifics of which were designed in conjunction with the NFL's Wedgie Impairment and Mishap Prevention council. WIMP recommendations include:

Atomic Wedgie: Allowed only following home games among players with less than two years on their NFL team and no previous wedgie experience.

Rambo Wedgie: Allowed only when the weight differential between the player giving the wedgie (the "wedger") and the player receiving the wedgie (the "wedgee") is less than 10%.

Pantsing Wedgie: Allowed only once per season per team and may involve multiple participants in order to correctly perpetrate both the pantsing and the subsequent wedgie.

The NFL has also adopted WIMP protocols stating that any player receiving a wedgie is afforded a bye week before another can be administered and that wedgie combinations must be sanctioned by team trainers to ensure players' safety.

Additional suggestions regarding Melvins will be forthcoming once the NFL Players' Association has had a chance to review the new wedgie guidelines, which are expected to be in place ahead of this weekend's slate of games.

- CAP News Staff

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NFL says if Patriots had deflated footballs, their punt would have wedged in Josh Cribbs' facemask, not bounced off of it «» Newly released Mueller report says NFL did not even know Ray Rice had a girlfriend, thought he was beating up a hooker in the elevator «» NJ Gov. Chris Christie seeking bids from NFL owners to be their super fan during upcoming playoff games, vows to jump around like a jackass if team wins «» NHL puts rest of season on hiatus due to widespread case of the sniffles, says rinks are "too chilly for these princesses" «» New York Yankee Alex Rodriguez sues steroid manufacturer, saying his drugs weren't exactly "performance enhancing" as advertised «» Body of deceased Saudi King Abdullah bin Abdulaziz to be placed in high pressure kiln and turned into limited edition collectible crude oil «» US Capitol janitor confirms he did have to wake a sleeping Joe Biden from his seat behind the podium while cleaning up hours after the State Of The Union «» Boston judge pardons Mark Wahlberg for 1991 incident in which he attempted to impersonate a singer by releasing "Good Vibrations" «» The X-Files returning to Fox with all-new characters E-Cigarette Man, Dentures Man, and Edward Snowden as leader of the reconstituted Lone Gunmen «» Porn website '2 Fat Chicks And A Concrete Barrel' files lawsuit against Black Lives Matter for trademark infringement following highway protest in Boston «»