Wednesday | March 4, 2015
NSA Wiretaps Own Break Room, Nabs Lunch Thief
NSA Director Keith Alexander discusses workplace cafeteria security at this year's Brown Bag seminar.

FORT MEADE, Md. (CAP) - Through its most successful sting operation yet, the National Security Agency has identified and apprehended the person responsible for stealing lunches out of the refrigerator in their office break room.

"Go ahead and criticize our devious surveillance methods, but without them, we'd still be blaming the Muslims instead of one of our own," said Deputy Director John Inglis. "Without them, we'd still be very, very hungry.

"Now that we've put this internal threat behind us, we can get back to our primary security objective," Inglis added. "Watching the American people on a full stomach."

Dubbed Operation Reheated Leftovers, the undertaking involved listening to hours of mindless conversation between employees who were waiting for the microwave as well as watching endless footage from a camera hidden in some egg salad at the back of the refrigerator.

"It didn't take long for us to figure out that the refrigerator light does go out when you close the door," said analyst Len Devaine. "And that Julie at the front desk has this annoying habit of finishing the half and half and putting the empty carton back in the fridge."

Devaine said his team really only needed the one camera in the refrigerator to identify the perpetrator, but that they also scoured six months of employee email correspondence and downloaded gigs of search data "because we can."

"You can never be too thorough," Devaine noted. "Let's just say [NSA Director] Keith Alexander spends quite a bit of time on fantasy football at work."

The issue first came to light shortly after the government shutdown ended when Edward Snowden released a series of documents containing various take-out orders for the NSA offices as well as a rotating schedule of whose job it was to clean out the fridge each Friday.

While the NSA refuses to openly identify the culprit, Inglis assures CAP News the public's ham sandwiches are once again safe from harm.

- CAP News Staff

SHARE STORY
MORE u.s. NEWS
RELATED STORIES
LEGAL
ALL MATERIAL IS

SATIRE

AND ©2005-2015 BY CAP NEWS
President Obama urging Americans to take part in the Homeland Security magazine drive to help fund the country's anti-terrorism efforts after the department's budget runs out this Friday «» President Obama concludes trip through Midwest to explain salient points from State Of The Union for that part of the country that only reads at a third grade level «» American comedians announce indefinite hiatus on "smelly Frenchman" jokes to give nation time to heal, will heckle Portuguese instead «» Chicago Bulls point guard Derrick Rose to have leg replacement surgery, expects to be back in time for playoffs «» Congress passes record 17 bills in one day as House and Senate enjoy a couple ounces of legalized pot before voting «» White House upset President Obama wasn't told Benjamin Netanyahu would be guest caller for Congressional Bingo Night «» FCC rules Internet providers must stream all porn at the same speed, whether it's hot babes or skanky ho's «» Rudy Giuliani says President Obama does not love parades; White House calls the accusation "ludicrous" #ObamaLovesAParade «» Ashton Kutcher says he's honored but confused why President Obama would appoint him the next Defense Secretary, but is glad to have something lined up now that 'Two And A Half Men' is over «» Experts question Brian Williams' claim that an IED blew off his limb while reporting in Afghanistan and that he sewed it back on during his return flight to the United States «»
President Obama urging Americans to take part in the Homeland Security magazine drive to help fund the country's anti-terrorism efforts after the department's budget runs out this Friday «» President Obama concludes trip through Midwest to explain salient points from State Of The Union for that part of the country that only reads at a third grade level «» American comedians announce indefinite hiatus on "smelly Frenchman" jokes to give nation time to heal, will heckle Portuguese instead «» Chicago Bulls point guard Derrick Rose to have leg replacement surgery, expects to be back in time for playoffs «» Congress passes record 17 bills in one day as House and Senate enjoy a couple ounces of legalized pot before voting «» White House upset President Obama wasn't told Benjamin Netanyahu would be guest caller for Congressional Bingo Night «» FCC rules Internet providers must stream all porn at the same speed, whether it's hot babes or skanky ho's «» Rudy Giuliani says President Obama does not love parades; White House calls the accusation "ludicrous" #ObamaLovesAParade «» Ashton Kutcher says he's honored but confused why President Obama would appoint him the next Defense Secretary, but is glad to have something lined up now that 'Two And A Half Men' is over «» Experts question Brian Williams' claim that an IED blew off his limb while reporting in Afghanistan and that he sewed it back on during his return flight to the United States «»