Wednesday | December 17, 2014
NSA Wiretaps Own Break Room, Nabs Lunch Thief
NSA Director Keith Alexander discusses workplace cafeteria security at this year's Brown Bag seminar.

FORT MEADE, Md. (CAP) - Through its most successful sting operation yet, the National Security Agency has identified and apprehended the person responsible for stealing lunches out of the refrigerator in their office break room.

"Go ahead and criticize our devious surveillance methods, but without them, we'd still be blaming the Muslims instead of one of our own," said Deputy Director John Inglis. "Without them, we'd still be very, very hungry.

"Now that we've put this internal threat behind us, we can get back to our primary security objective," Inglis added. "Watching the American people on a full stomach."

Dubbed Operation Reheated Leftovers, the undertaking involved listening to hours of mindless conversation between employees who were waiting for the microwave as well as watching endless footage from a camera hidden in some egg salad at the back of the refrigerator.

"It didn't take long for us to figure out that the refrigerator light does go out when you close the door," said analyst Len Devaine. "And that Julie at the front desk has this annoying habit of finishing the half and half and putting the empty carton back in the fridge."

Devaine said his team really only needed the one camera in the refrigerator to identify the perpetrator, but that they also scoured six months of employee email correspondence and downloaded gigs of search data "because we can."

"You can never be too thorough," Devaine noted. "Let's just say [NSA Director] Keith Alexander spends quite a bit of time on fantasy football at work."

The issue first came to light shortly after the government shutdown ended when Edward Snowden released a series of documents containing various take-out orders for the NSA offices as well as a rotating schedule of whose job it was to clean out the fridge each Friday.

While the NSA refuses to openly identify the culprit, Inglis assures CAP News the public's ham sandwiches are once again safe from harm.

- CAP News Staff

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The National Association for the Advancement of Colored Double Amputees launches nationwide protests against police brutality of unarmed black men «» CIA sends 200 agents to UDC Community College for waterboarding refresher course to prepare for up and coming international terrorist groups «» Nation's blacks unsure who to turn to for sage advice on Ferguson situation now that Bill Cosby is just a sexual predator «» More Americans feeling compelled to visit relatives over the holidays due to falling gas prices, wish gas stayed above $3 per gallon just until the holidays were over «» Detroit celebrates exiting bankruptcy with subprime mortgages for the first 10,000 unqualified homebuyers who can falsify a loan application in under 60 seconds «» NHL puts rest of season on hiatus due to widespread case of the sniffles, says rinks are "too chilly for these princesses" «» Congress asks Santa Claus for 2015 budget for Christmas, or collectible Hess trucks and some ribbon candy if that's more practical «» Senate Intelligence Committee releases another scathing report detailing how President George W. Bush used to cheat at Parcheesi during White House Friday night game nights «» New report finds 95% of lemon-flavored candy tastes like Pledge. Another report finds that a surprising number of people have tasted Pledge. «» Obama apologizes for the miscommunication, says Chuck Hagel is "getting down" to a funky beat, not "stepping down" and vacating his seat «»