Tuesday | September 1, 2015
NSA Wiretaps Own Break Room, Nabs Lunch Thief
NSA Director Keith Alexander discusses workplace cafeteria security at this year's Brown Bag seminar.

FORT MEADE, Md. (CAP) - Through its most successful sting operation yet, the National Security Agency has identified and apprehended the person responsible for stealing lunches out of the refrigerator in their office break room.

"Go ahead and criticize our devious surveillance methods, but without them, we'd still be blaming the Muslims instead of one of our own," said Deputy Director John Inglis. "Without them, we'd still be very, very hungry.

"Now that we've put this internal threat behind us, we can get back to our primary security objective," Inglis added. "Watching the American people on a full stomach."

Dubbed Operation Reheated Leftovers, the undertaking involved listening to hours of mindless conversation between employees who were waiting for the microwave as well as watching endless footage from a camera hidden in some egg salad at the back of the refrigerator.

"It didn't take long for us to figure out that the refrigerator light does go out when you close the door," said analyst Len Devaine. "And that Julie at the front desk has this annoying habit of finishing the half and half and putting the empty carton back in the fridge."

Devaine said his team really only needed the one camera in the refrigerator to identify the perpetrator, but that they also scoured six months of employee email correspondence and downloaded gigs of search data "because we can."

"You can never be too thorough," Devaine noted. "Let's just say [NSA Director] Keith Alexander spends quite a bit of time on fantasy football at work."

The issue first came to light shortly after the government shutdown ended when Edward Snowden released a series of documents containing various take-out orders for the NSA offices as well as a rotating schedule of whose job it was to clean out the fridge each Friday.

While the NSA refuses to openly identify the culprit, Inglis assures CAP News the public's ham sandwiches are once again safe from harm.

- CAP News Staff

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State Department investigation finds Hillary Clinton did email secret family recipes from her server, but either withheld or encrypted key ingredients «» Dept Of Veteran's Affairs to pay benefits to thousands of Vietnam War veterans who may have been exposed to Jane Fonda in the early '70s «» Massachusetts woman accused of forcing elderly mother to commute with her to and from work in order to drive in HOV lane «» Restaurant Mascots Association reports Jared Fogle no longer invited to summer outing, announces Grimace will bring the potato salad instead «» Donald Trump is slamming White House plans to curb opioid addiction, saying it unfairly targets him and his supporters «» Restaurant Mascots Association reports Jared Fogle no longer invited to summer outing, announces Grimace will bring the potato salad instead «» New survey finds most parents of young adult terrorists long for the days when kids were more apathetic and just played video games «» General Mills announces plans to discontinue its new cereal Diabeteos, acknowledges that the sugar content may be "a little high" «» Society For Gay Racists up in arms over typo that has South Carolina calling for removal of the state's confederate fag «» LeBron James challenges Golden State to double or nothing, winner take all game of HORSE «»