WASHINGTON (CAP) - House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) says in order to prove that he's "not the bad guy" in the government shutdown standoff, he will personally feed and clothe all 700,000 Americans impacted by the loss of their paychecks.
"I'm not the bully, America - I'm not the bully!" Boehner told reporters as he dabbed tears from his cheek with a monogrammed handkerchief. "You have no idea how hard it is to go into these meetings almost every day and the Democrats just won't budge on a law we passed three years ago.
"They're the meanies!" he added as he began to cry. "They are!"
Boehner noted that his wife was planning a baked macaroni and cheese for dinner and he invited anyone affected by the shutdown to "stop by for a plate." He said there's always room for a few hundred thousand of his fellow downtrodden Americans at his bountiful dinner table.
"And then after dinner we'll take a quick run to Marshalls so everyone can pick out a new top," he said. Boehner then buried his head in his hands and rushed away from the podium, sobbing uncontrollably about "brand names for less."
Other GOP leaders were less sympathetic, pointing out that Americans now unemployed due to the shutdown could have avoided this situation by working private sector jobs in the first place.
"Nothing says big government like three quarters of a million people working for said government," said Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX). "So as far as I'm concerned, these people are all part of the problem and we're simply helping them see that.
"Just a little Texas tough love," Cruz added. "Trust me, it hurts us more than it hurts you."
Boehner said that while he's happy to provide sustenance and habiliment to the masses, he can't cart anyone back and forth to doctors' appointments or help with copays because that would be akin to providing healthcare.
"I'm not a monster, but we have to draw the line somewhere," he said.
- CAP News Staff