Wednesday | April 1, 2015
Nokia Introduces New Lumia S7 Smart Pinky Ring

BERLIN (CAP) - Even as the dust is settling on the year's biggest corporate deal, engineers at Nokia are taking advantage of the hot trend in wearable electronics with the release of the ultra chic yet pragmatic device of the fall: the Lumia S7 Smart Pinky Ring.

"Today's mafioso wants to keep up with technology without being weighed down by it," the company said in its press release. "And with the Lumia S7, you can spend more time thinking about your hits and less time worrying about where to bury the bodies.

"If Whitey Bulger had an S7, he never would have been caught," the press release noted.

According to the company's white paper, the S7 boasts a crystal clear 300 pixels per inch on a transreflective LCD face that auto-rotates its orientation depending on how the user is holding their hand. Testers dubbed it the ideal display for "pitch black cemeteries as well as poorly lit abandoned warehouses."

"And with a battery life of 3-4 days, you don't have to worry about your S7 expiring before you do when you're locked in the trunk of a Caddy," the press release said.

Industry analysts who had surmised that Microsoft's purchase of Nokia's handset division related to the company dumping Windows Phone for Android are now backtracking, saying that "getting in good with the Mafia" is a logical next step for Microsoft.

"Listen, you don't have to be made to make use of the S7," said CAP News technology expert Gordie Duvall. "Instead of making hit lists, you can make grocery lists. Instead of searching for locations to hide bodies, you can search on locations for the best Thai food.

"Because let's face it, people still wear rings," Duvall noted. "But who the hell wears watches anymore?"

The S7 comes preloaded with a number of native apps, including Whackbox, Everskim, Angry Shylock and Facebook. Anyone purchasing an S7 will also be required to buy the company's protection insurance plan, in case the ring is lost or stolen or chopped off in a bar fight.

- CAP News Staff

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Audubon Society reports birds returning to Massachusetts for spring are "confused as shit" and not sure where to go until it warms up «» Apple accidentally unveils new watch at 12pm instead of 1pm after forgetting to turn device forward an hour for daylight savings «» FCC rules Internet providers must stream all porn at the same speed, whether it's hot babes or skanky ho's «» ISIS hacks U.S. military's Instagram account, posts pictures of last night's dinner and terrorists making duck lips «» NSA offers voucher to Israel for free course on spying and other illicit surveillance to help them not get caught next time «» NFL announces plans not to broadcast half a dozen Oakland Raiders games next season, offers cash prizes for anyone who notices which ones «» Starbucks nixes plans to raise awareness of racial inequality by allowing patrons to only purchase drinks that match the color of their skin «» A letter sent to the White House has tested positive for proper grammar and punctuation, leading to speculation that it must have come from overseas «» Ted Cruz says he wants to become president so his dog can pee on the White House lawn «» New survey finds 73% of Americans feel like a nut 54% of the time, while 63% of Americans don't 47% of the time «»