Sunday | February 1, 2015
Nokia Introduces New Lumia S7 Smart Pinky Ring

BERLIN (CAP) - Even as the dust is settling on the year's biggest corporate deal, engineers at Nokia are taking advantage of the hot trend in wearable electronics with the release of the ultra chic yet pragmatic device of the fall: the Lumia S7 Smart Pinky Ring.

"Today's mafioso wants to keep up with technology without being weighed down by it," the company said in its press release. "And with the Lumia S7, you can spend more time thinking about your hits and less time worrying about where to bury the bodies.

"If Whitey Bulger had an S7, he never would have been caught," the press release noted.

According to the company's white paper, the S7 boasts a crystal clear 300 pixels per inch on a transreflective LCD face that auto-rotates its orientation depending on how the user is holding their hand. Testers dubbed it the ideal display for "pitch black cemeteries as well as poorly lit abandoned warehouses."

"And with a battery life of 3-4 days, you don't have to worry about your S7 expiring before you do when you're locked in the trunk of a Caddy," the press release said.

Industry analysts who had surmised that Microsoft's purchase of Nokia's handset division related to the company dumping Windows Phone for Android are now backtracking, saying that "getting in good with the Mafia" is a logical next step for Microsoft.

"Listen, you don't have to be made to make use of the S7," said CAP News technology expert Gordie Duvall. "Instead of making hit lists, you can make grocery lists. Instead of searching for locations to hide bodies, you can search on locations for the best Thai food.

"Because let's face it, people still wear rings," Duvall noted. "But who the hell wears watches anymore?"

The S7 comes preloaded with a number of native apps, including Whackbox, Everskim, Angry Shylock and Facebook. Anyone purchasing an S7 will also be required to buy the company's protection insurance plan, in case the ring is lost or stolen or chopped off in a bar fight.

- CAP News Staff

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ISIS hacks U.S. military's Instagram account, posts pictures of last night's dinner and terrorists making duck lips «» Alternative taxi service Uber comes under fire for not disinfecting back seats after a different kind of "ride sharing" «» New study links measles vaccine with higher chance of not contracting the disease «» Newly retired Jeff Gordon cited for driving in breakdown lane, said he was "going nutty" sitting in traffic «» Congress passes new 'Right To Lie' law for politicians with less than six months left to serve before re-election «» Patriots caught trying to sneak snow-making machine into University of Phoenix Stadium for competitive advantage during Super Bowl «» President Obama concludes trip through Midwest to explain salient points from State Of The Union for that part of the country that only reads at a third grade level «» Body of deceased Saudi King Abdullah bin Abdulaziz to be placed in high pressure kiln and turned into limited edition collectible crude oil «» US Capitol janitor confirms he did have to wake a sleeping Joe Biden from his seat behind the podium while cleaning up hours after the State Of The Union «» Boston judge pardons Mark Wahlberg for 1991 incident in which he attempted to impersonate a singer by releasing "Good Vibrations" «»