Saturday | July 30, 2016
Obama: Bombing Syria "Good Geography Lesson"
President Obama discusses foreign affairs with local schoolchildren in a language they can understand.

WASHINGTON (CAP) - President Obama today continued to push for support for military action in Syria, telling Congress, reporters, and that homeless woman on Pennsylvania Ave. who clicks her teeth all the time that "at the least, it would provide a good geography lesson for America's youth."

"Let's face it. Before the, uhh, chemical weapons attack, nobody even knew where Syria was," Obama said. "In fact, until the Joint Chiefs pointed it out, I was apparently preparing to bomb Turkey.

"How funny would that have been!" he added with a chuckle.

Obama pointed out that while typically abysmal, American student geography scores tend to spike whenever the United States is engaged in a foreign dispute. After over three decades of strife in Iraq, a full 37% of graduating seniors are now able to accurately identify in which hemisphere the country resides.

"Geography is not just about maps," said Jeremiah Driscoll of the North American Map Lovers Association. "It's about knowing where the oil fields are so a planned aerial assault can best protect American interests, that sort of thing."

Along those lines, Republicans have called Obama's latest salvo a low blow for trying to make the Syrian conflict "about the children" rather than its true purpose, "about the money." Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) accused the president of using education as a crutch to prepare the next generation.

"GPS apps have replaced the need to learn geography much like spell checkers have replaced the needing to grammar do good," said McCain. "Hell, with autocorrect, we can just turn our brains off completely."

However, the president is holding his ground that a military strike against the current Syrian regime will do more good than harm, even if innocent Syrians are killed as part of that effort.

"Syria, this hurts me more than it hurts you," Obama noted. "Someday when you're a big superpower, you'll understand."

- CAP News Staff

SHARE STORY
MORE world NEWS
RELATED STORIES
LEGAL
ALL MATERIAL IS

SATIRE

AND ©2005-2016 BY CAP NEWS
Experts say the best way to combat this is to make Aunt Midge sleep on the pullout sofa which will wreak havoc on her sciatica and eventually force her to seek a better night's sleep at a local hotel «» Critics say while the shake is indeed delicious, it's too soon after the Russian airline disaster to try to capitalize on it and note the company should "give it another month or so" «» Russian President Vladimir Putin sends President Obama map of the Middle East with Syria circled, suggests the U.S. "try bombing over here instead" «» Chinese President Xi Jinping storms off, condemns U.S. after President Obama refuses to share White House wifi password during dignitary's visit «» Pope Francis announces new line of All-Beef Vatican Hot Dogs with proceeds of Pope's Franks benefiting victims of clergy abuse «» White House switchboard lighting up with calls from other Middle Eastern nations looking for that "sweet nuclear deal" that Iran got «» Instead of just 40%, Walmart says it will now donate 65% of proceeds to the Syrian refugee crisis from the sale of its "I Fled Syria And All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt" t-shirts «» New survey finds most parents of young adult terrorists long for the days when kids were more apathetic and just played video games «» Experts say terrorists have been hording coupons for Bell's stuffing for months, forcing many Americans to either pay full price or go with bland, dry generic boxed stuffing «» The man credited with inventing the "Safety Is My Goal" and "How Is My Driving?" bumper stickers that spoke for a generation of livery drivers succumbed to injuries sustained after being rear-ended by a box truck «» The limited-time only beverage is available in Rancid or Sludge flavors mixed with one or two scoops of yesterday's coffee grounds and is served in a black cup only to those who verbally denounce all organized religions when ordering «» Inspired by their Missouri brethren, Wolverine players refuse to take the field and will "focus solely on their studies" until the University retains more attractive cheerleaders «» The newly revamped tourist attraction will feature a gift shop, a food court, and a stack of three-ring binders with pictures of fish that visitors can thumb through «» The ACLU is fighting the company's decision to pull the popular t-shirts from store shelves, saying it will unfairly force society's outcasts back to shopping at K-Mart for their apparel needs «» Instead, half a dozen moderators will take the stage and fire barbs at each of the candidates and then see who can provide the most sarcastic response in their absence «» Both Hewlett-Packard companies announce they're each splitting into five new companies to create a voicemail tree so complex that none of them will actually need any customer service reps to answer phones «» Jasmine V confirms she was knocked up by alien abductors, plans to keep the baby to help fight stereotypes of young Latina women who are pregnant with extraterrestrial offspring «» Federal government's plan to release thousands of non-violent prisoners contingent upon them to "remember what Uncle Barry did for you" and make sure they vote Democrat in the next election «» The Conservative Liberals In Transition Outreach Intervention Society announces its support of Hillary Clinton; CLITOrIS members say she brings "the right amount of vagina" to the table «» New Halloween app Treatr allows kids to tap pictures of neighborhood houses to trick or treat, saves "all that time walking" and increases candy acquisition rates by 72% «»
Experts say the best way to combat this is to make Aunt Midge sleep on the pullout sofa which will wreak havoc on her sciatica and eventually force her to seek a better night's sleep at a local hotel «» Critics say while the shake is indeed delicious, it's too soon after the Russian airline disaster to try to capitalize on it and note the company should "give it another month or so" «» Russian President Vladimir Putin sends President Obama map of the Middle East with Syria circled, suggests the U.S. "try bombing over here instead" «» Chinese President Xi Jinping storms off, condemns U.S. after President Obama refuses to share White House wifi password during dignitary's visit «» Pope Francis announces new line of All-Beef Vatican Hot Dogs with proceeds of Pope's Franks benefiting victims of clergy abuse «» White House switchboard lighting up with calls from other Middle Eastern nations looking for that "sweet nuclear deal" that Iran got «» Instead of just 40%, Walmart says it will now donate 65% of proceeds to the Syrian refugee crisis from the sale of its "I Fled Syria And All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt" t-shirts «» New survey finds most parents of young adult terrorists long for the days when kids were more apathetic and just played video games «» Experts say terrorists have been hording coupons for Bell's stuffing for months, forcing many Americans to either pay full price or go with bland, dry generic boxed stuffing «» The man credited with inventing the "Safety Is My Goal" and "How Is My Driving?" bumper stickers that spoke for a generation of livery drivers succumbed to injuries sustained after being rear-ended by a box truck «» The limited-time only beverage is available in Rancid or Sludge flavors mixed with one or two scoops of yesterday's coffee grounds and is served in a black cup only to those who verbally denounce all organized religions when ordering «» Inspired by their Missouri brethren, Wolverine players refuse to take the field and will "focus solely on their studies" until the University retains more attractive cheerleaders «» The newly revamped tourist attraction will feature a gift shop, a food court, and a stack of three-ring binders with pictures of fish that visitors can thumb through «» The ACLU is fighting the company's decision to pull the popular t-shirts from store shelves, saying it will unfairly force society's outcasts back to shopping at K-Mart for their apparel needs «» Instead, half a dozen moderators will take the stage and fire barbs at each of the candidates and then see who can provide the most sarcastic response in their absence «» Both Hewlett-Packard companies announce they're each splitting into five new companies to create a voicemail tree so complex that none of them will actually need any customer service reps to answer phones «» Jasmine V confirms she was knocked up by alien abductors, plans to keep the baby to help fight stereotypes of young Latina women who are pregnant with extraterrestrial offspring «» Federal government's plan to release thousands of non-violent prisoners contingent upon them to "remember what Uncle Barry did for you" and make sure they vote Democrat in the next election «» The Conservative Liberals In Transition Outreach Intervention Society announces its support of Hillary Clinton; CLITOrIS members say she brings "the right amount of vagina" to the table «» New Halloween app Treatr allows kids to tap pictures of neighborhood houses to trick or treat, saves "all that time walking" and increases candy acquisition rates by 72% «»