Tuesday | January 27, 2015
Janet Napolitano Warns Of Locusts, New Super Zombie
Janet Napolitano gleefully describes the rapid downfall of humanity she expects to see once she leaves office.

WASHINGTON (CAP) - Outgoing Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano has issued another dire warning to her as yet unnamed successor: the locusts are coming, and if they don't get us, a new breed of 'super' zombie definitely will.

"I've guided us safely through the cicadas, past the hordes of flying ants, and around Molasses Swamp with nary a scratch," Napolitano said during her less publicized second farewell address yesterday afternoon. "But there'll be no stopping The Great Locust Swarm of 2015.

"Or 16. Or maybe 2017," she added. "Depends on when they get their act together."

During Napolitano's tenure, she oversaw the declaration of Lindsay Lohan as a federal disaster area, helped curb the flow of illegal Swedes to her home state of Arizona, and captured the wrong guy for sending a ricin-tainted letter to President Obama.

"And who can forget the time I snatched that little Cuban boy from the loving arms of his uncle and sent him back to his abusive father in Cuba," said Napolitano as she wiped a tear from her eye. "No, wait - that was Janet Reno.

"I always get us confused," she clarified.

But Napolitano spent the bulk of her time behind the podium imploring Americans to be vigilant about zombies, pointing out that today's zombie has learned from the mistakes of its predecessor and is craftier, more brazen and has two and a half times the chewing power of Bush-era zombies.

"If you see one of the undead ripping apart the flesh of your neighbor, don't just barricade yourself in your home," she said. "If you see something, say something. Otherwise, the zombies win."

Napolitano is leaving her post to become the next president of the University of California system. However, school officials say that appointment is pending her successful completion of a full psychiatric evaluation, which they say "may be a little beyond her reach."

- CAP News Staff

SHARE STORY
MORE u.s. NEWS
RELATED STORIES
LEGAL
ALL MATERIAL IS

SATIRE

AND ©2005-2015 BY CAP NEWS
President Obama concludes trip through Midwest to explain salient points from State Of The Union for that part of the country that only reads at a third grade level «» American comedians announce indefinite hiatus on "smelly Frenchman" jokes to give nation time to heal, will heckle Portuguese instead «» U.S. State Department denies it is behind putting glue on Kim Jong-un's toilet seat, where he was stuck for nine hours yesterday «» The National Association for the Advancement of Colored Double Amputees launches nationwide protests against police brutality of unarmed black men «» CIA sends 200 agents to UDC Community College for waterboarding refresher course to prepare for up and coming international terrorist groups «» Nation's blacks unsure who to turn to for sage advice on Ferguson situation now that Bill Cosby is just a sexual predator «» Detroit celebrates exiting bankruptcy with subprime mortgages for the first 10,000 unqualified homebuyers who can falsify a loan application in under 60 seconds «» Patriots caught trying to sneak snow-making machine into University of Phoenix Stadium for competitive advantage during Super Bowl «» Body of deceased Saudi King Abdullah bin Abdulaziz to be placed in high pressure kiln and turned into limited edition collectible crude oil «» US Capitol janitor confirms he did have to wake a sleeping Joe Biden from his seat behind the podium while cleaning up hours after the State Of The Union «»
President Obama concludes trip through Midwest to explain salient points from State Of The Union for that part of the country that only reads at a third grade level «» American comedians announce indefinite hiatus on "smelly Frenchman" jokes to give nation time to heal, will heckle Portuguese instead «» U.S. State Department denies it is behind putting glue on Kim Jong-un's toilet seat, where he was stuck for nine hours yesterday «» The National Association for the Advancement of Colored Double Amputees launches nationwide protests against police brutality of unarmed black men «» CIA sends 200 agents to UDC Community College for waterboarding refresher course to prepare for up and coming international terrorist groups «» Nation's blacks unsure who to turn to for sage advice on Ferguson situation now that Bill Cosby is just a sexual predator «» Detroit celebrates exiting bankruptcy with subprime mortgages for the first 10,000 unqualified homebuyers who can falsify a loan application in under 60 seconds «» Patriots caught trying to sneak snow-making machine into University of Phoenix Stadium for competitive advantage during Super Bowl «» Body of deceased Saudi King Abdullah bin Abdulaziz to be placed in high pressure kiln and turned into limited edition collectible crude oil «» US Capitol janitor confirms he did have to wake a sleeping Joe Biden from his seat behind the podium while cleaning up hours after the State Of The Union «»