Friday | July 31, 2015
Janet Napolitano Warns Of Locusts, New Super Zombie
Janet Napolitano gleefully describes the rapid downfall of humanity she expects to see once she leaves office.

WASHINGTON (CAP) - Outgoing Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano has issued another dire warning to her as yet unnamed successor: the locusts are coming, and if they don't get us, a new breed of 'super' zombie definitely will.

"I've guided us safely through the cicadas, past the hordes of flying ants, and around Molasses Swamp with nary a scratch," Napolitano said during her less publicized second farewell address yesterday afternoon. "But there'll be no stopping The Great Locust Swarm of 2015.

"Or 16. Or maybe 2017," she added. "Depends on when they get their act together."

During Napolitano's tenure, she oversaw the declaration of Lindsay Lohan as a federal disaster area, helped curb the flow of illegal Swedes to her home state of Arizona, and captured the wrong guy for sending a ricin-tainted letter to President Obama.

"And who can forget the time I snatched that little Cuban boy from the loving arms of his uncle and sent him back to his abusive father in Cuba," said Napolitano as she wiped a tear from her eye. "No, wait - that was Janet Reno.

"I always get us confused," she clarified.

But Napolitano spent the bulk of her time behind the podium imploring Americans to be vigilant about zombies, pointing out that today's zombie has learned from the mistakes of its predecessor and is craftier, more brazen and has two and a half times the chewing power of Bush-era zombies.

"If you see one of the undead ripping apart the flesh of your neighbor, don't just barricade yourself in your home," she said. "If you see something, say something. Otherwise, the zombies win."

Napolitano is leaving her post to become the next president of the University of California system. However, school officials say that appointment is pending her successful completion of a full psychiatric evaluation, which they say "may be a little beyond her reach."

- CAP News Staff

SHARE STORY
MORE u.s. NEWS
RELATED STORIES
LEGAL
ALL MATERIAL IS

SATIRE

AND ©2005-2015 BY CAP NEWS
Dept Of Veteran's Affairs to pay benefits to thousands of Vietnam War veterans who may have been exposed to Jane Fonda in the early '70s «» Massachusetts woman accused of forcing elderly mother to commute with her to and from work in order to drive in HOV lane «» World Trade Organization approves putting 'Country Of Origin' labels on immigrants coming into the US to help Americans better target their discrimination «» America's homophobes lobby in favor of gay marriage to "keep them off the streets" and protect the sanctity of the bar scene for straight men «» Protesters in Baltimore are congratulating themselves on "a job well done" and say Freddie Gray would have wanted nothing more than for them to destroy their hometown and all get arrested «» After avoiding jail for sharing state secrets with his mistress biographer, David Petraeus said if he had to do it all over again, he would because "the sex was really, really good" «» New York City vows to reduce its output of white trash by 90% over next 10 years, promises better class of resident "to make country proud" «» Utah becomes first state to offer stoning as death penalty option, saying it's a criminal's right to have their head bashed in «» General Mills announces plans to discontinue its new cereal Diabeteos, acknowledges that the sugar content may be "a little high" «» Society For Gay Racists up in arms over typo that has South Carolina calling for removal of the state's confederate fag «»
Dept Of Veteran's Affairs to pay benefits to thousands of Vietnam War veterans who may have been exposed to Jane Fonda in the early '70s «» Massachusetts woman accused of forcing elderly mother to commute with her to and from work in order to drive in HOV lane «» World Trade Organization approves putting 'Country Of Origin' labels on immigrants coming into the US to help Americans better target their discrimination «» America's homophobes lobby in favor of gay marriage to "keep them off the streets" and protect the sanctity of the bar scene for straight men «» Protesters in Baltimore are congratulating themselves on "a job well done" and say Freddie Gray would have wanted nothing more than for them to destroy their hometown and all get arrested «» After avoiding jail for sharing state secrets with his mistress biographer, David Petraeus said if he had to do it all over again, he would because "the sex was really, really good" «» New York City vows to reduce its output of white trash by 90% over next 10 years, promises better class of resident "to make country proud" «» Utah becomes first state to offer stoning as death penalty option, saying it's a criminal's right to have their head bashed in «» General Mills announces plans to discontinue its new cereal Diabeteos, acknowledges that the sugar content may be "a little high" «» Society For Gay Racists up in arms over typo that has South Carolina calling for removal of the state's confederate fag «»