Monday | March 2, 2015
Janet Napolitano Warns Of Locusts, New Super Zombie
Janet Napolitano gleefully describes the rapid downfall of humanity she expects to see once she leaves office.

WASHINGTON (CAP) - Outgoing Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano has issued another dire warning to her as yet unnamed successor: the locusts are coming, and if they don't get us, a new breed of 'super' zombie definitely will.

"I've guided us safely through the cicadas, past the hordes of flying ants, and around Molasses Swamp with nary a scratch," Napolitano said during her less publicized second farewell address yesterday afternoon. "But there'll be no stopping The Great Locust Swarm of 2015.

"Or 16. Or maybe 2017," she added. "Depends on when they get their act together."

During Napolitano's tenure, she oversaw the declaration of Lindsay Lohan as a federal disaster area, helped curb the flow of illegal Swedes to her home state of Arizona, and captured the wrong guy for sending a ricin-tainted letter to President Obama.

"And who can forget the time I snatched that little Cuban boy from the loving arms of his uncle and sent him back to his abusive father in Cuba," said Napolitano as she wiped a tear from her eye. "No, wait - that was Janet Reno.

"I always get us confused," she clarified.

But Napolitano spent the bulk of her time behind the podium imploring Americans to be vigilant about zombies, pointing out that today's zombie has learned from the mistakes of its predecessor and is craftier, more brazen and has two and a half times the chewing power of Bush-era zombies.

"If you see one of the undead ripping apart the flesh of your neighbor, don't just barricade yourself in your home," she said. "If you see something, say something. Otherwise, the zombies win."

Napolitano is leaving her post to become the next president of the University of California system. However, school officials say that appointment is pending her successful completion of a full psychiatric evaluation, which they say "may be a little beyond her reach."

- CAP News Staff

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President Obama urging Americans to take part in the Homeland Security magazine drive to help fund the country's anti-terrorism efforts after the department's budget runs out this Friday «» President Obama concludes trip through Midwest to explain salient points from State Of The Union for that part of the country that only reads at a third grade level «» American comedians announce indefinite hiatus on "smelly Frenchman" jokes to give nation time to heal, will heckle Portuguese instead «» White House upset President Obama wasn't told Benjamin Netanyahu would be guest caller for Congressional Bingo Night «» FCC rules Internet providers must stream all porn at the same speed, whether it's hot babes or skanky ho's «» Rudy Giuliani says President Obama does not love parades; White House calls the accusation "ludicrous" #ObamaLovesAParade «» Ashton Kutcher says he's honored but confused why President Obama would appoint him the next Defense Secretary, but is glad to have something lined up now that 'Two And A Half Men' is over «» Experts question Brian Williams' claim that an IED blew off his limb while reporting in Afghanistan and that he sewed it back on during his return flight to the United States «» New study links measles vaccine with higher chance of not contracting the disease «» Newly retired Jeff Gordon cited for driving in breakdown lane, said he was "going nutty" sitting in traffic «»