Friday | March 29, 2024
Chris Brown To Retire From Music, Go Scumbag Fulltime

NEW YORK (CAP) - Hip-hop performer Chris Brown announced via a series of Tweets today that he will be retiring from music after the release of his upcoming album X. The announcement came on the heels of the singer being released from jail on hit and run charges.

The entertainer appeared on the scene back in 2005 when his debut record Chris Brown went double-platinum, but didn't really enter the hearts of the people until four years later when he was arrested on domestic violence charges after attacking and severely beating his on-again, off-again girlfriend, recording artist Rihanna.

"It's become apparent to me that beating up Rihanna really was the high point in my career," Brown shared over the popular social-networking site. "I'm tired of being famous for mistakes I made when I was 18.

"I'm ready be famous for newer, more awful mistakes," he added.

Brown, who is no stranger to the criminal justice system, apparently wants to concentrate his future energies on being the best scumbag he can be.

"Don't worry, mainstream America," Brown Tweeted. "After this X album, it'll probably be my last album. Then it's back to the basics - beating up women and homos."

Aside from assaulting and viciously beating his defenseless girlfriend in February of 2009, Brown is best remembered for inciting a bar brawl with fellow hip-hop personality Drake's entourage. The brawl, which took place in the W.i.P. nightclub in New York, involved San Antonio Spurs star Tony Parker and continued until a female Australian tourist was hospitalized with facial lacerations that required sixteen stitches.

"I can't believe I got to meet Chris Brown!" exclaimed the tourist. "I mean, how many people can say that they were so involved in the creative process of such a huge star!"

Since then, Brown has released only one record, 2012's Fortune, and it has become apparent to his fans that his heart simply isn't in the music game anymore.

"When I'm in the studio recording, all I can think about is the innocent people that I haven't had a chance to hurt," Brown said. "It makes me so frustrated."

Earlier this year during recording sessions, Brown had a moment of epiphany when he came across fellow singer Frank Ocean in the parking lot of the recording studio. Ocean made headlines of late after revealing to the world that he is gay.

"I saw Frank there and it suddenly dawned on me - why am I only concentrating on women?" Brown explained. "I mean, beating up that [homophobic slur] would really show the world what kind of guy I am!"

Ocean, for his part, took the beating with a laugh. "I just hope he calls me," he said. "He's so great."

It is unclear exactly what direction Brown's career will take after retiring from music, whether he will assault people in random locations with the help of his entourage, or take his act on the road. Fans are already clamoring for the latter.

"OMG!" proclaimed one excited Twitter follower. "Come to UMASS! My gfs and I want to feel your talented knuckles against our cheekbones!"

Tweeted another: "You can kick me in the ribs anytime, handsome! ;)"

- Winston Ward
Contributing Writer

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