Thursday | April 2, 2015
Derek Jeter On DL After Collapsing Into Pile Of Dust
Yankees manager Joe Girardi discusses Jeter's new role as the team's official hourglass.

NEW YORK (CAP) - The New York Yankees returned captain Derek Jeter to the disabled list when, in his first game back following a devastating 2012 ankle injury, he aged decades in mere seconds and collapsed into a pile of dust and pinstripes between second and third base during a game vs. the Kansas City Royals.

Jeter will be eligible to return a week from Saturday. Jeter told the team he felt better, but an MRI yesterday revealed that he was still a dust pile.

"I don't think they trust me too much anymore, so they put me in the MRI machine again and, like I've told you before, I can't fake out the tests," said the Jeter dust pile. "They had to take that MRI to prove to them I was ready and I wasn't, you know, being dust and all."

Yankees general manager Brian Cashman said the team had hoped that during the All-Star break, Jeter might be able to reconstitute his disintegrated form into something resembling a working human body. But the team's physician, Dr. Mehmet Oz, said the MRI showed "minimal healing," as is often the case when someone explodes into decrepitude as quickly as Jeter did.

"I wouldn't be surprised if he is not ready by Saturday of next week," Cashman said, noting that throwing a ball to Jeter in his current state just causes a gray cloud to rise from his aged remains. "We may be looking at a minor league assignment," Cashman noted.

- CAP News Staff

SHARE STORY
MORE sports NEWS
RELATED STORIES
LEGAL
ALL MATERIAL IS

SATIRE

AND ©2005-2015 BY CAP NEWS
NFL announces plans not to broadcast half a dozen Oakland Raiders games next season, offers cash prizes for anyone who notices which ones «» Chicago Bulls point guard Derrick Rose to have leg replacement surgery, expects to be back in time for playoffs «» Newly retired Jeff Gordon cited for driving in breakdown lane, said he was "going nutty" sitting in traffic «» Patriots caught trying to sneak snow-making machine into University of Phoenix Stadium for competitive advantage during Super Bowl «» NFL says if Patriots had deflated footballs, their punt would have wedged in Josh Cribbs' facemask, not bounced off of it «» Newly released Mueller report says NFL did not even know Ray Rice had a girlfriend, thought he was beating up a hooker in the elevator «» NJ Gov. Chris Christie seeking bids from NFL owners to be their super fan during upcoming playoff games, vows to jump around like a jackass if team wins «» NSA offers voucher to Israel for free course on spying and other illicit surveillance to help them not get caught next time «» Starbucks nixes plans to raise awareness of racial inequality by allowing patrons to only purchase drinks that match the color of their skin «» Audubon Society reports birds returning to Massachusetts for spring are "confused as shit" and not sure where to go until it warms up «»
NFL announces plans not to broadcast half a dozen Oakland Raiders games next season, offers cash prizes for anyone who notices which ones «» Chicago Bulls point guard Derrick Rose to have leg replacement surgery, expects to be back in time for playoffs «» Newly retired Jeff Gordon cited for driving in breakdown lane, said he was "going nutty" sitting in traffic «» Patriots caught trying to sneak snow-making machine into University of Phoenix Stadium for competitive advantage during Super Bowl «» NFL says if Patriots had deflated footballs, their punt would have wedged in Josh Cribbs' facemask, not bounced off of it «» Newly released Mueller report says NFL did not even know Ray Rice had a girlfriend, thought he was beating up a hooker in the elevator «» NJ Gov. Chris Christie seeking bids from NFL owners to be their super fan during upcoming playoff games, vows to jump around like a jackass if team wins «» NSA offers voucher to Israel for free course on spying and other illicit surveillance to help them not get caught next time «» Starbucks nixes plans to raise awareness of racial inequality by allowing patrons to only purchase drinks that match the color of their skin «» Audubon Society reports birds returning to Massachusetts for spring are "confused as shit" and not sure where to go until it warms up «»