Saturday | January 31, 2015
Nerds Deemed Not Cool Enough For Comic-Con 2013
Nerds everywhere are shedding tears as they've lost yet another sanctuary to cooler people.

SAN DIEGO (CAP) - In a move that's stunned the comic book and science fiction fan community, droves of nerds were barred from the 2013 Comic-Con in San Diego to make room for high-powered agents, A-list actors, supermodels and others who had previously been too cool for such an event.

"These are some of the biggest names in Hollywood," noted Comic-Con's executive director, Bob Robinson, who explained that with comic book movies making billions, more and more cool people are coming out for the annual industry showcase, displacing the nerds who typically attend.

"We really can't have A-listers fraternizing with a bunch of nobodies dressed like Jawas," he added.

The shunning has not gone over well with Comic-Con regulars like Sarah Milbaum, who last year was one of over 300 women at the convention dressed as "Slave Leia" in a gold metal bikini, and helped convert protesters from the Westboro Baptist Church over to their way of thinking.

"We've shown that nerds can do anything," said Milbaum, this year dressed in a "Sexy Dalek" costume from Dr. Who. "That they wouldn't let us in flies in the face of what made Comic-Con special in the first place - it was a place where losers could dress up in crazy costumes and awkwardly high-five each other."

"And possibly even get laid," added Fred Loudbeck, 41, who was dressed as Nick Fury from The Avengers, except white and about 80 pounds heavier. Loudbeck said he met his wife Sally at the 1996 Comic-Con when he was dressed as Commander Riker and she was the Borg Queen from Star Trek: First Contact.

"I've had a heck of a time keeping cool kids out of the Boy Scouts - I'll be darned if I'm going to let them into Comic-Con!" declared Loudbeck, who then high-fived Milbaum, accidentally striking her in her mechanical eyestalk.

"As you can see, this is all for the best," commented Robinson, excusing himself to re-enter the hall and snort cocaine off of supermodel Alessandra Ambrosio's torso.

- CAP News Staff

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ISIS hacks U.S. military's Instagram account, posts pictures of last night's dinner and terrorists making duck lips «» Alternative taxi service Uber comes under fire for not disinfecting back seats after a different kind of "ride sharing" «» New study links measles vaccine with higher chance of not contracting the disease «» Newly retired Jeff Gordon cited for driving in breakdown lane, said he was "going nutty" sitting in traffic «» Congress passes new 'Right To Lie' law for politicians with less than six months left to serve before re-election «» Patriots caught trying to sneak snow-making machine into University of Phoenix Stadium for competitive advantage during Super Bowl «» President Obama concludes trip through Midwest to explain salient points from State Of The Union for that part of the country that only reads at a third grade level «» Body of deceased Saudi King Abdullah bin Abdulaziz to be placed in high pressure kiln and turned into limited edition collectible crude oil «» US Capitol janitor confirms he did have to wake a sleeping Joe Biden from his seat behind the podium while cleaning up hours after the State Of The Union «» Boston judge pardons Mark Wahlberg for 1991 incident in which he attempted to impersonate a singer by releasing "Good Vibrations" «»