VATICAN CITY (CAP) - Vatican employees are threatening en masse to leave the Catholic faith and convert to Protestantism if Pope Francis does not back down from his decision to cancel bonuses for workers following his election.
"Well, on your way out, don't let the door hit you where the good Lord split you," said Pope Francis as he waved off the threat. "The only way anyone's getting any extra money around here is if they get fiddled by a priest and sue us.
"Otherwise, get back to work," he added. "My robes don't fold themselves."
Traditionally, the Vatican's 4,500 employees would receive a bonus upon the death of one pope and another upon the election of his successor, but with all the hush money being paid to abused altar boys around the world, Vatican coffers are fairly dry.
"Had I known Pope Franny Pants was going to be such a tightwad, I would have voted for that Christoph Schoenborn guy," said one bishop. "Well, back to hoping Uncle Benny kicks the bucket soon and maybe we can get one then."
Meanwhile, Protestant leaders released a statement saying they have no interest in a few thousand Catholic castoffs, noting that they are too busy trying to remind the world that their religion even exists to "de-Catholicize people who have been doing it wrong all these years."
"All we need is a good scandal or well-publicized case of persecution to put us on the religious map," said Nikolaus Schneider, president of the Evangelical Church in Germany. "We need some crusades or a nice holocaust, then people will know who we are."
Vatican workers said if the conversion to Protestantism doesn't work out, they'll look into Scientology, which they say has a reputation for being open, friendly and practical.
- CAP News Staff