Friday | May 22, 2015
Yankees Sign Dr. Oz To Three-Year Deal

NEW YORK (CAP) - The New York Yankees have signed Dr. Mehmet Oz to a three-year deal reportedly worth $36 million, a move meant to help restore an injury-depleted lineup that can actually compete at the major league level.

"With the loss of so many key players, we needed to think outside the box to get that $10 billion in payroll back on the field as soon as possible," said General Manager Brian Cashman. "I once saw him heal a cripple with just a roll of gauze and a wooden fence post.

"No, wait, maybe that was MacGuyver," he added after a pause. "And if there are any gays in the clubhouse, he can cure their homosexuality. This guy does it all."

Mark Teixeira, who is rehabbing an injury to his right wrist, has already had his first session with Dr. Oz, which involved watching 12 of his most recent TV shows. He also learned techniques for doing things with his left hand such as how not to throw like a girl.

"Plus now I know how to avoid gastroesophageal reflux disease by taking care of my lower esophageal sphincter," Teixeira added, giving reporters a thumbs-up with his left hand.

Coach Joe Girardi said he hopes Dr. Oz's presence in the clubhouse will also help the healthy players remain healthy, especially now that they've learned eight tried and true techniques to survive what experts say will be the worst allergy season ever.

"And I'm almost done reading his book, 16 Other Ways To Use A Band-Aid," Girardi said. "I think with a couple well-placed bandaids, we should have [Derek] Jeter back on the field in no time."

Cashman confirmed to CAP News that should the Dr. Oz experiment fail, the Yankees do have a voodoo high priestess on retainer for the second half of the season.

- CAP News Staff

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NFL announces plans to give up its law exempt status and will have players stop committing crimes and start obeying the law beginning next season «» Massachusetts court upholds conversion therapy law that allows Red Sox fans to seek professional help for spouses who are Yankees fans «» Major League Baseball implements two-drink minimum at all stadiums to help fans forget just how much time they're spending at the park for a single game «» NFL announces plans not to broadcast half a dozen Oakland Raiders games next season, offers cash prizes for anyone who notices which ones «» Chicago Bulls point guard Derrick Rose to have leg replacement surgery, expects to be back in time for playoffs «» Taylor Swift reveals she was behind extreme censoring of Kanye West song at Billboard Music Awards, telling him "Imma not let you finish" «» ISIS rebels capture another Iraqi city Americans have never heard of but are led to believe is "very important" «» NJ Gov. Chris Christie shuts down Rt 93 in New Hampshire during campaign stops to remind residents why it would be in their interest to elect him president «» America's homophobes lobby in favor of gay marriage to "keep them off the streets" and protect the sanctity of the bar scene for straight men «» Protesters in Baltimore are congratulating themselves on "a job well done" and say Freddie Gray would have wanted nothing more than for them to destroy their hometown and all get arrested «»