Tuesday | April 28, 2015
Yankees Sign Dr. Oz To Three-Year Deal

NEW YORK (CAP) - The New York Yankees have signed Dr. Mehmet Oz to a three-year deal reportedly worth $36 million, a move meant to help restore an injury-depleted lineup that can actually compete at the major league level.

"With the loss of so many key players, we needed to think outside the box to get that $10 billion in payroll back on the field as soon as possible," said General Manager Brian Cashman. "I once saw him heal a cripple with just a roll of gauze and a wooden fence post.

"No, wait, maybe that was MacGuyver," he added after a pause. "And if there are any gays in the clubhouse, he can cure their homosexuality. This guy does it all."

Mark Teixeira, who is rehabbing an injury to his right wrist, has already had his first session with Dr. Oz, which involved watching 12 of his most recent TV shows. He also learned techniques for doing things with his left hand such as how not to throw like a girl.

"Plus now I know how to avoid gastroesophageal reflux disease by taking care of my lower esophageal sphincter," Teixeira added, giving reporters a thumbs-up with his left hand.

Coach Joe Girardi said he hopes Dr. Oz's presence in the clubhouse will also help the healthy players remain healthy, especially now that they've learned eight tried and true techniques to survive what experts say will be the worst allergy season ever.

"And I'm almost done reading his book, 16 Other Ways To Use A Band-Aid," Girardi said. "I think with a couple well-placed bandaids, we should have [Derek] Jeter back on the field in no time."

Cashman confirmed to CAP News that should the Dr. Oz experiment fail, the Yankees do have a voodoo high priestess on retainer for the second half of the season.

- CAP News Staff

SHARE STORY
MORE sports NEWS
RELATED STORIES
LEGAL
ALL MATERIAL IS

SATIRE

AND ©2005-2015 BY CAP NEWS
Massachusetts court upholds conversion therapy law that allows Red Sox fans to seek professional help for spouses who are Yankees fans «» Major League Baseball implements two-drink minimum at all stadiums to help fans forget just how much time they're spending at the park for a single game «» NFL announces plans not to broadcast half a dozen Oakland Raiders games next season, offers cash prizes for anyone who notices which ones «» Chicago Bulls point guard Derrick Rose to have leg replacement surgery, expects to be back in time for playoffs «» Quarterly spending reports are out and teenage girls again top the list of "Who Spends All Of Dad's Money On Clothes They'll Never Wear" «» After avoiding jail for sharing state secrets with his mistress biographer, David Petraeus said if he had to do it all over again, he would because "the sex was really, really good" «» New York City vows to reduce its output of white trash by 90% over next 10 years, promises better class of resident "to make country proud" «» New study finds that adults who breastfeed are 58% more likely to be ostracized by their peers and ridiculed for having a milk mustache «» A new poll finds 73% of those who would buy a consumer drone plan to use it to fire BB's at neighborhood dogs who come into their yard to poop «» Organizers of the 150th Anniversary Lincoln Assassination Reenactment say in hindsight, it may not have been a good idea to have Nicki Minaj perform "Bang Bang" «»
Massachusetts court upholds conversion therapy law that allows Red Sox fans to seek professional help for spouses who are Yankees fans «» Major League Baseball implements two-drink minimum at all stadiums to help fans forget just how much time they're spending at the park for a single game «» NFL announces plans not to broadcast half a dozen Oakland Raiders games next season, offers cash prizes for anyone who notices which ones «» Chicago Bulls point guard Derrick Rose to have leg replacement surgery, expects to be back in time for playoffs «» Quarterly spending reports are out and teenage girls again top the list of "Who Spends All Of Dad's Money On Clothes They'll Never Wear" «» After avoiding jail for sharing state secrets with his mistress biographer, David Petraeus said if he had to do it all over again, he would because "the sex was really, really good" «» New York City vows to reduce its output of white trash by 90% over next 10 years, promises better class of resident "to make country proud" «» New study finds that adults who breastfeed are 58% more likely to be ostracized by their peers and ridiculed for having a milk mustache «» A new poll finds 73% of those who would buy a consumer drone plan to use it to fire BB's at neighborhood dogs who come into their yard to poop «» Organizers of the 150th Anniversary Lincoln Assassination Reenactment say in hindsight, it may not have been a good idea to have Nicki Minaj perform "Bang Bang" «»