Saturday | December 20, 2014
Yankees Sign Dr. Oz To Three-Year Deal

NEW YORK (CAP) - The New York Yankees have signed Dr. Mehmet Oz to a three-year deal reportedly worth $36 million, a move meant to help restore an injury-depleted lineup that can actually compete at the major league level.

"With the loss of so many key players, we needed to think outside the box to get that $10 billion in payroll back on the field as soon as possible," said General Manager Brian Cashman. "I once saw him heal a cripple with just a roll of gauze and a wooden fence post.

"No, wait, maybe that was MacGuyver," he added after a pause. "And if there are any gays in the clubhouse, he can cure their homosexuality. This guy does it all."

Mark Teixeira, who is rehabbing an injury to his right wrist, has already had his first session with Dr. Oz, which involved watching 12 of his most recent TV shows. He also learned techniques for doing things with his left hand such as how not to throw like a girl.

"Plus now I know how to avoid gastroesophageal reflux disease by taking care of my lower esophageal sphincter," Teixeira added, giving reporters a thumbs-up with his left hand.

Coach Joe Girardi said he hopes Dr. Oz's presence in the clubhouse will also help the healthy players remain healthy, especially now that they've learned eight tried and true techniques to survive what experts say will be the worst allergy season ever.

"And I'm almost done reading his book, 16 Other Ways To Use A Band-Aid," Girardi said. "I think with a couple well-placed bandaids, we should have [Derek] Jeter back on the field in no time."

Cashman confirmed to CAP News that should the Dr. Oz experiment fail, the Yankees do have a voodoo high priestess on retainer for the second half of the season.

- CAP News Staff

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NHL puts rest of season on hiatus due to widespread case of the sniffles, says rinks are "too chilly for these princesses" «» New York Yankee Alex Rodriguez sues steroid manufacturer, saying his drugs weren't exactly "performance enhancing" as advertised «» North Pole mainframe hacked and Kim Jong-un's name moved to 'Good' list; North Korea denies responsibility «» Disney cancels release of 'Into The Woods' after American witches threaten to cast a spell on moviegoers and turn them all into newts «» The National Association for the Advancement of Colored Double Amputees launches nationwide protests against police brutality of unarmed black men «» Congress asks Santa Claus for 2015 budget for Christmas, or collectible Hess trucks and some ribbon candy if that's more practical «» Senate Intelligence Committee releases another scathing report detailing how President George W. Bush used to cheat at Parcheesi during White House Friday night game nights «» CIA sends 200 agents to UDC Community College for waterboarding refresher course to prepare for up and coming international terrorist groups «» New report finds 95% of lemon-flavored candy tastes like Pledge. Another report finds that a surprising number of people have tasted Pledge. «» Obama apologizes for the miscommunication, says Chuck Hagel is "getting down" to a funky beat, not "stepping down" and vacating his seat «»