Monday | January 26, 2015
Yankees Sign Dr. Oz To Three-Year Deal

NEW YORK (CAP) - The New York Yankees have signed Dr. Mehmet Oz to a three-year deal reportedly worth $36 million, a move meant to help restore an injury-depleted lineup that can actually compete at the major league level.

"With the loss of so many key players, we needed to think outside the box to get that $10 billion in payroll back on the field as soon as possible," said General Manager Brian Cashman. "I once saw him heal a cripple with just a roll of gauze and a wooden fence post.

"No, wait, maybe that was MacGuyver," he added after a pause. "And if there are any gays in the clubhouse, he can cure their homosexuality. This guy does it all."

Mark Teixeira, who is rehabbing an injury to his right wrist, has already had his first session with Dr. Oz, which involved watching 12 of his most recent TV shows. He also learned techniques for doing things with his left hand such as how not to throw like a girl.

"Plus now I know how to avoid gastroesophageal reflux disease by taking care of my lower esophageal sphincter," Teixeira added, giving reporters a thumbs-up with his left hand.

Coach Joe Girardi said he hopes Dr. Oz's presence in the clubhouse will also help the healthy players remain healthy, especially now that they've learned eight tried and true techniques to survive what experts say will be the worst allergy season ever.

"And I'm almost done reading his book, 16 Other Ways To Use A Band-Aid," Girardi said. "I think with a couple well-placed bandaids, we should have [Derek] Jeter back on the field in no time."

Cashman confirmed to CAP News that should the Dr. Oz experiment fail, the Yankees do have a voodoo high priestess on retainer for the second half of the season.

- CAP News Staff

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NFL says if Patriots had deflated footballs, their punt would have wedged in Josh Cribbs' facemask, not bounced off of it «» Newly released Mueller report says NFL did not even know Ray Rice had a girlfriend, thought he was beating up a hooker in the elevator «» NJ Gov. Chris Christie seeking bids from NFL owners to be their super fan during upcoming playoff games, vows to jump around like a jackass if team wins «» NHL puts rest of season on hiatus due to widespread case of the sniffles, says rinks are "too chilly for these princesses" «» New York Yankee Alex Rodriguez sues steroid manufacturer, saying his drugs weren't exactly "performance enhancing" as advertised «» President Obama concludes trip through Midwest to explain salient points from State Of The Union for that part of the country that only reads at a third grade level «» Body of deceased Saudi King Abdullah bin Abdulaziz to be placed in high pressure kiln and turned into limited edition collectible crude oil «» US Capitol janitor confirms he did have to wake a sleeping Joe Biden from his seat behind the podium while cleaning up hours after the State Of The Union «» Boston judge pardons Mark Wahlberg for 1991 incident in which he attempted to impersonate a singer by releasing "Good Vibrations" «» The X-Files returning to Fox with all-new characters E-Cigarette Man, Dentures Man, and Edward Snowden as leader of the reconstituted Lone Gunmen «»