NEW YORK (CAP) - The US Immigration Office recently announced a sweeping change in policy which bars naturalization of any persons who do not meet a predetermined criteria of wealth and physical fitness.
Despite a poetical inscription at the base of the Statue of Liberty which has long declared otherwise, this means that those individuals who could be classified as either "tired" or "poor" are now prohibited from entering the country.
"I'm not sure what we were thinking with the whole wretched refuse business either," said spokesman Roger Fulton. "What does that even mean? Garbage? Mexicans? Whatever it is, we're no longer interested at this time."
Added Fulton, "We are also placing additional restrictions on huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Pollution levels being what they are, we feel this is no longer a realistic expectation anyway."
A press release later clarified that the statue's lamp would now be lifted "strictly for certain applicants of proven merit" and that the golden door would be open only on a case-by-case basis.
- Molly Schoemann