Thursday | September 21, 2017
African Children: Enough With The Schools Already
Africa's queen mum Oprah Winfrey cuts the ribbon on her latest saving grace: a place for children to buy all the school supplies they need.

MBOBO, Malawi (CAP) - The African Children And Teens Council (ACATC) has released a statement for all would-be philanthropists who are thinking of donating money or supplies to build more schools in Africa: We are all set, thanks.

"Don't get us wrong, we are very grateful for all the aid we have received," said ACATC President Martin Mbgui. "Charities have brought much needed attention to our troubles, and we can't thank them enough for all of the help that they have given us."

But therein lies the problem, says Mbgui. Throughout the 1980's, Mbgui said everyone was focused on providing Africa with food and water, which he said was fantastic because "we are very hungry and very thirsty." However, in the 1990's that focus changed and altruists instead began building schools throughout the impoverished country.

"Now we've got one school for every four children in Africa, it's just too much!" noted Mbgui. "Please, I am begging you, stop giving us schools!"

Local pundits agree that Africa as a nation has more schools than they know what to do with. A Malawi native spoke with CAP News through an interpreter about the impact of the industrialization on his small village.

"In my village, we have a row of trees and bushes, just at the edge of town, a very serene place where you are surrounded by nature," said Abebe Akua. "My whole life, this is the place I would go to do my dirty fanny business. But now, when I go to this place, there is no privacy, because it is now the back yard of one school and the front yard of another.

"If I was to try to make my chocolate pyramids there now, I would be in full view of all of the school children, teachers, and most disturbingly, the janitorial staff," Akua added. "They would see me and wonder, Why does he not come into the school and use our clean, safe bathrooms?.

"I cannot explain of the shame that I feel," said Akua.

Many charities have expressed shock and dismay at the African response to their humanitarian efforts. Kerry Marquez, head of the African Relief Fund, said that telling the various charitable foundations to stop providing more schools and better funded schools is "like a baby asking someone to stop providing diapers - it stinks."

"How are these African children going to survive in the world without knowing trigonometry?" said Marquez. "The fact that they even think that way just proves that they need more schools.

"Oops, while I was talking, we just opened 87 more schools," Marquez added. "Nice."

The issue is also heating up in Hollywood, with celebrities like Oprah Winfrey coming out in favor of the surplus of schools. "We want these children, girls especially, to learn and grow in a nurturing environment, so that one day they can become successful adults who will buy whatever crappy products we're selling on our TV shows and in our magazines at the time," Winfrey said in a statement. "The children are our future."

"It's actually better for me and Angelina [Jolie] if they don't have schools there," said Madonna. "That way the parents are more likely to sell the kids to us so we can take them to the United States and use them as accessories until we get tired of them and get dogs. What? I'm just saying."

- CAP News Staff

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