Friday | November 24, 2017
Solyndra Solar Panels Mistakenly Gave Sun Energy
Well, that explains a lot.

FREMONT, Calif. (CAP) - A source inside the Obama administration confirmed to CAP News today that the solar panels produced by the now defunct Solyndra actually gave the sun more power, rather than absorbing it. The news caps a six-month investigation which confirmed that collecting solar power was to have been their intended purpose.

"The sun has never been more powerful," said the source who spoke on the condition of anonymity. "We can literally trace how much bigger and hotter its gotten during the time Solyndra was in operation."

Former Solyndra officials indicated that the schematics for the solar panels were drawn backwards, causing a reflective effect which delivered important solar energy back to the source from whence it came. The diameter of the tempestuous star increased several thousand miles over the course of six years, during which time solar flares reached an all time high, frequently interrupting cell phone service.

"Boy, we really messed up on this," CEO Brian Harrison said through a press release. "Solyndra apologizes to its investors, in this case the federal government, and hopes in no way does this undermine the green movement, though it clearly will."

Pundits say this provides the most concrete proof yet of the existence of global warming and is one more nail in the coffin for the alternative energy industry.

Just last week investigators discovered that an entire field of wind turbines in north central Nebraska were actually very large fans, drawing thousands of kilowatts of power from the local community. Detailed memos also found that the popular hybrid car Chevy Volt derives its alternative energy from the passengers in the vehicle, leaving many consumers tired and lethargic.

Additionally, an old report commissioned by the Bush administration has surfaced showing that while it's true the icecaps are melting, what's inside them is apparently much worse than just water. Thousands of demons previously frozen for eternity have been released from their icy cells and are wreaking havoc in the Antarctic, soon to make their way to urban areas.

However, scientists say it is with Solyndra that the most damage may have been done. Many are worried that the company's solar panels transferred so much energy back to the sun that the Earth will have to be moved several light years away to offset the effects, a process requiring a vast amount of rockets and jet fuel.

"We were always in a great position for life to develop," said astronomer Henry Price. "But now because of Solyndra, that's no longer the case. Tell my wife and kids I love them."

Former vice president, father of the Internet, and grandfather of the green movement Al Gore has released a statement calling this "a very convenient truth, if you ask me." Which, according to sources, no one did.

- Chason Gordon
Contributing Writer

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