Friday | May 26, 2017
Sting's 60th Marked By Tantric Sex Talk, Lutes
Sting even brought his own visuals to the party.

NEW YORK (CAP) - Sting's star-studded charity concert to mark his 60th birthday came to a grinding halt Saturday night when the guest of honor stopped between songs to give a 15-minute dissertation on the joys of tantric sex practices.

Apparently Sting had just finished an 11-minute jazz fusion version of Have You Seen The Bright Lily Grow off Songs From The Labyrinth, his 2006 collaboration with Bosnian lutenist Edin Karamazov, when he said, "This evening has been almost as pleasurable as a 12-hour session of tantric lovemaking with my wife, Trudie."

"At first we thought it was just going to be a passing remark, but he just wouldn't stop," said Howard Masterson, a Sting fan club member who got some of the few public tickets available for the New York City concert. "He kept going on and on about 'accessing inner energies' to enhance pleasure and telling us to 'challenge our egotism into its dissolution,' whatever that means."

According to Masterson, the audience started to grow restless, and by the time the rock star was explaining in great detail how holding off ejaculation is key to mutual fulfillment, most people were looking around the theater awkwardly, checking watches and cellphones and pretending to cough.

"Finally, Bruce Springsteen came out and tried to start a duet with Sting on one of his old Police songs, I think it was Driven To Tears," recalled Masterson. "But Sting says, 'First Bruce, tell the crowd, do you and your wife Patti indulge in the ancient sensual art of tantric lovemaking?' Springsteen looked really embarrassed, muttered something about the missionary position and backed slowly off the stage."

Eventually Sting did segue into a lute and harpsichord version of Englishman In New York, and the whole audience, along with guest stars Springsteen, Lady Gaga, Stevie Wonder, Mary J. Blige, Herbie Hancock, Robert Downey Jr., Vince Gill, Will.i.am, Rufus Wainwright, Branford Marsalis, Billy Joel and Chris Botti, breathed a collective, audible sigh of relief, in unison.

"If the point was to make us appreciate the lute number, mission accomplished," commented Downey afterwards at a party at the St. Regis Hotel.

"So Sting got in front of an audience that had paid some ridiculous price to see his show and acted like a complete prick? What a shock," commented Flea of the Red Hot Chili Peppers, who admits that he's "had it in for Sting" ever since the former Police frontman refused to participate in the charity single Bass Instincts to protest the lack of attention bass players get in the Rock Band video game.

"I'd like to get tantric all over his ass," added Flea. "Um ... But not in a sexual way."

Sting eventually finished the lute performance and announced that there was "something very special" under all the seats, at which point the audience found autographed 8x10 glossy photographs of Sting in the "downwards-faced dog pose" taped to the bottoms of their chairs.

"The signatures were done by a machine, but it's the thought that counts!" said Sting, sipping a Mlesna Jasmine Earl Grey Tea. "Now if you'll excuse me I have a 12-hour appointment with my wife and a lute."

- CAP News Staff

SHARE STORY
MORE showbiz NEWS
RELATED STORIES
LEGAL
ALL MATERIAL IS

SATIRE

AND ©2005-2017 BY CAP NEWS
Jasmine V confirms she was knocked up by alien abductors, plans to keep the baby to help fight stereotypes of young Latina women who are pregnant with extraterrestrial offspring «» Donald Trump picks Matt Damon as his running mate, says the pair have successfully alienated women, Muslims, Mexicans, blacks and gays, just need to offend Jews and Asians for the clean sweep «» President Obama visits Alaska, vows to reunite cast of 'Northern Exposure' for show's 20th anniversary «» Experts say the best way to combat this is to make Aunt Midge sleep on the pullout sofa which will wreak havoc on her sciatica and eventually force her to seek a better night's sleep at a local hotel «» Experts say terrorists have been hording coupons for Bell's stuffing for months, forcing many Americans to either pay full price or go with bland, dry generic boxed stuffing «» The man credited with inventing the "Safety Is My Goal" and "How Is My Driving?" bumper stickers that spoke for a generation of livery drivers succumbed to injuries sustained after being rear-ended by a box truck «» The limited-time only beverage is available in Rancid or Sludge flavors mixed with one or two scoops of yesterday's coffee grounds and is served in a black cup only to those who verbally denounce all organized religions when ordering «» Inspired by their Missouri brethren, Wolverine players refuse to take the field and will "focus solely on their studies" until the University retains more attractive cheerleaders «» The newly revamped tourist attraction will feature a gift shop, a food court, and a stack of three-ring binders with pictures of fish that visitors can thumb through «» The ACLU is fighting the company's decision to pull the popular t-shirts from store shelves, saying it will unfairly force society's outcasts back to shopping at K-Mart for their apparel needs «» Critics say while the shake is indeed delicious, it's too soon after the Russian airline disaster to try to capitalize on it and note the company should "give it another month or so" «» Instead, half a dozen moderators will take the stage and fire barbs at each of the candidates and then see who can provide the most sarcastic response in their absence «» Both Hewlett-Packard companies announce they're each splitting into five new companies to create a voicemail tree so complex that none of them will actually need any customer service reps to answer phones «» Federal government's plan to release thousands of non-violent prisoners contingent upon them to "remember what Uncle Barry did for you" and make sure they vote Democrat in the next election «» The Conservative Liberals In Transition Outreach Intervention Society announces its support of Hillary Clinton; CLITOrIS members say she brings "the right amount of vagina" to the table «» New Halloween app Treatr allows kids to tap pictures of neighborhood houses to trick or treat, saves "all that time walking" and increases candy acquisition rates by 72% «» Retail chain CVS has bowed to pressure to stop stocking bags of metal filings in the same aisle as the Halloween candy, at least at this time of year «» Royals, Mets agree to blindfold random infielder every other inning to liven up the game, provide blooper reel footage when they cringe every time the ball is hit «» New education reform bill replaces D's and F's with frownie-face stickers to soften the blow and help kids "feel successful even in their failures" «» IBM engineers mark another milestone in artificial intelligence as Watson wins $250,000 on Fan Duel, will attempt to decipher teenage text lingo next «»
Jasmine V confirms she was knocked up by alien abductors, plans to keep the baby to help fight stereotypes of young Latina women who are pregnant with extraterrestrial offspring «» Donald Trump picks Matt Damon as his running mate, says the pair have successfully alienated women, Muslims, Mexicans, blacks and gays, just need to offend Jews and Asians for the clean sweep «» President Obama visits Alaska, vows to reunite cast of 'Northern Exposure' for show's 20th anniversary «» Experts say the best way to combat this is to make Aunt Midge sleep on the pullout sofa which will wreak havoc on her sciatica and eventually force her to seek a better night's sleep at a local hotel «» Experts say terrorists have been hording coupons for Bell's stuffing for months, forcing many Americans to either pay full price or go with bland, dry generic boxed stuffing «» The man credited with inventing the "Safety Is My Goal" and "How Is My Driving?" bumper stickers that spoke for a generation of livery drivers succumbed to injuries sustained after being rear-ended by a box truck «» The limited-time only beverage is available in Rancid or Sludge flavors mixed with one or two scoops of yesterday's coffee grounds and is served in a black cup only to those who verbally denounce all organized religions when ordering «» Inspired by their Missouri brethren, Wolverine players refuse to take the field and will "focus solely on their studies" until the University retains more attractive cheerleaders «» The newly revamped tourist attraction will feature a gift shop, a food court, and a stack of three-ring binders with pictures of fish that visitors can thumb through «» The ACLU is fighting the company's decision to pull the popular t-shirts from store shelves, saying it will unfairly force society's outcasts back to shopping at K-Mart for their apparel needs «» Critics say while the shake is indeed delicious, it's too soon after the Russian airline disaster to try to capitalize on it and note the company should "give it another month or so" «» Instead, half a dozen moderators will take the stage and fire barbs at each of the candidates and then see who can provide the most sarcastic response in their absence «» Both Hewlett-Packard companies announce they're each splitting into five new companies to create a voicemail tree so complex that none of them will actually need any customer service reps to answer phones «» Federal government's plan to release thousands of non-violent prisoners contingent upon them to "remember what Uncle Barry did for you" and make sure they vote Democrat in the next election «» The Conservative Liberals In Transition Outreach Intervention Society announces its support of Hillary Clinton; CLITOrIS members say she brings "the right amount of vagina" to the table «» New Halloween app Treatr allows kids to tap pictures of neighborhood houses to trick or treat, saves "all that time walking" and increases candy acquisition rates by 72% «» Retail chain CVS has bowed to pressure to stop stocking bags of metal filings in the same aisle as the Halloween candy, at least at this time of year «» Royals, Mets agree to blindfold random infielder every other inning to liven up the game, provide blooper reel footage when they cringe every time the ball is hit «» New education reform bill replaces D's and F's with frownie-face stickers to soften the blow and help kids "feel successful even in their failures" «» IBM engineers mark another milestone in artificial intelligence as Watson wins $250,000 on Fan Duel, will attempt to decipher teenage text lingo next «»