Thursday | September 21, 2017
Trapper Keeper Breast Pumps: Back To School Must

RICHMOND, Va. (CAP) - As the back-to-school selling season gets into full swing, retailers across the nation are once again filling their aisles with a full range of scholastically insignificant products.

From book bags, pencil cases and colostomy bags, to protractors, foot powder and jumper cables, the shelves are filling up with back-to-school necessities, non-necessities and anything labeled Trapper Keeper.

"I didn't even know they made Trapper Keepers anymore," said Stacy McConnell as she shopped with her husband, Vladimir, and their daughter, Juanita-LaQuisha-Ann.

"Now, it seems like they have Trapper Keeper everything," she continued, pointing to several items in her shopping cart. "Trapper Keeper nose hair clippers, Trapper Keeper deep fryers, Trapper Keeper breast pumps - It's amazing."

Stacy's husband, Vladimir, disagreed. "It ain't amazing," he said. "Breast pumps ain't got diddly-dick to do with going back to school. Ain't no reason our little Juanita-LaQuisha-Ann needs one of them-there gizmos. She's eight."

Regardless of Vladimir McConnell's sentiment, Trapper Keeper breast pumps were listed on his daughter's back-to-school supply list and "besides, all the other girls were getting one."

And the list didn't stop there. According to Juanita-Laquisha-Ann's teacher, Tipper Bobbins, before the first day of school, Juanita-LaQuisha-Ann must also obtain several other back-to-school products and services.

"She'll need a back-to-school psychic reading, a back-to-school mesothelioma lawyer, and a back-to-school anal bleaching," explained Bobbins. "And, according to the school board's policy, each of those must carry the Trapper Keeper Seal of Approval."

So how exactly did a washed-up brand of organizational binders suddenly reemerge as a back-to-school powerhouse? To answer that, CAP News spoke with Paul Prescott, Trapper's Director of Crash/Burn Mitigation, and Eugene Schmidt, Trapper's Director of Kung Fu Fighting.

"First, we have to look back at history," explained Prescott. "You see, once Def Leppard ran out of cool album covers, we ran out of cool shit to put on our Trapper Keepers. And once we ran out of cool shit to put on our Trapper Keepers, we were forced to put Billy Ray Cyrus on them. And once we did that, Trapper Keepers were screwed."

"Same thing happened to MTV," added Schmidt.

"Exactly," agreed Prescott. "And for the almost two decades that followed we struggled to maintain market visibility - barely hanging on in a paperless, Def-Leppardless society. But, all that changed when I hired Eugene."

Schmidt, a graduate of the University of Phoenix and a life long friend of a guy who knows a guy who does those sorts of things, explained how he was able to breathe life back into the brand.

"First, I had to buy off certain school board members," Schmidt recalled. "And then, through a series of tough negotiations, I established a chain of lucrative, sustainable, overseas partnerships."

"Basically, he whored us out China," Prescott clarified. "To every Chang, Dong and Huang."

"And that one guy named Bubba," added Schmidt.

"And Bubba," Prescott acknowledged.

- Amy Whidden
Contributing Writer

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