Friday | November 24, 2017
McCain Says Illegal Immigrants Took His Glasses
John McCain finds himself forced to don goofy toy glasses in the wake of the disappearance of his regular reading glasses.

PHOENIX (CAP) - Outspoken Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) is taking new aim at illegal immigrants today, blaming "them people" for taking a pair of eyeglasses that recently went missing from his home. The former presidential candidate said he's having difficulty trying to locate the glasses, owing to the fact that he can't see very well without his glasses.

"Strong evidence suggests the disappearance of my glasses was caused by people who crossed our border illegally, trekked the 150 miles to Phoenix, and entered my house through the sliding glass door," McCain said at a press conference in his kitchen. "I put them down right here on the counter beside the remote and - hey, where's the remote?"

The accusation has ignited a new firestorm of controversy split directly along party lines, with Republicans throwing their support behind the 74-year-old senator's ability to see and not have to get up to change the channel and Democrats questioning whether the issue is more directly related to his aging memory than his actual eyesight.

"Although it does explain his last three Senate votes," said Sen. Mark Pryor (D-AR). "Perhaps the good senator should invest in a nice lanyard to keep closer tabs on his glasses. Maybe Cindy could get him one for his birthday."

For her part, Cindy McCain has backed her husband's story, noting that the glasses disappeared prior to the arrival of the cleaning staff "who are, of course, as legal as President Obama is American." She then recounted the harrowing days of her youth when she used to be scared at night that there were illegal immigrants under her bed and "now I'm scared that they're outside mowing my lawn."

John McCain himself has expressed surprise at the controversy, saying that he "thought everybody knew that [illegal immigrants stealing glasses] was a problem." President Obama responded to his former rival's comments during a campaign stop at a family-owned blueberry farm in Georgia where he guest auctioneered the pre-foreclosure sale of the farm's crop-picking equipment and supplies.

"See, if we don't provide healthcare to undocumented workers so they can get their eyes checked, they'll have no choice but to steal our glasses right out from under our noses," Obama said without the aid of a teleprompter. "Or, uhh, sitting on top of our noses, as it were.

"Wait, uhh - where all the illegals at?" Obama added as he looked around the vacant farm.

Other Republicans were quick to jump to McCain's defense, pointing out that they had seen the senator wearing the glasses in question numerous times and that he "really appeared to like them." Ariz. junior Sen. Jon Kyl said he too fell victim to the marauding band of illegal immigrants roaming the greater Phoenix area.

"Yeah, I'm missing a whole bunch of parts from my 40-piece ratchet set, including the 5mm, 7mm and 9mm connectors," Kyl said. "And you know how them illegals like the metric system."

Kyl also noted that "it's a Craftsman, too" and said he can "only imagine what their garages look like with all of our stuff."

Officials for LensCrafters have offered to fashion McCain a new pair of glasses made from a special heat-resistant polymer so he can fiddle while Arizona burns.

- CAP News Staff

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