Monday | August 21, 2017
Oprah Lands Jesus As Surprise Final Guest
Oprah feigns disbelief at a guest on her show for one final time.

CHICAGO (CAP) - As the May 25th finale of the Oprah Winfrey Show nears, speculation over who will appear as the media giant's final guest continues to grow, with rumors ranging from Will and Jada Pinkett-Smith to Oprah-grown Dr. Phil, all the way up the popularity charts to Jesus Christ Himself.

Lance Meyers, a production assistant from the Oprah Winfrey show, confirmed that talks between representatives for the show and Jesus' agent were underway.

"Who wouldn't want to do the Oprah show, right?" Meyers commented. "I mean, hello, it's fucking Oprah. Is anyone bigger than Oprah? No one but God, baby. So we're booking His ass on the show.

"Besides, the Catholic Church could use some good press right now," Meyers added.

According to Meyers, one lucky audience member will find a special key under his or her seat. While Oprah fans may recall her famous 2004 giveaway in which each member of the audience was presented with a new car, this time around a single key holder will receive guaranteed entrance to The Kingdom of Heaven.

"It's Oprah's most awesome giveaway yet!" an excitable Meyers said.

While Jesus' appearance on the program has yet to be confirmed by either side, rumors also have swirled that The Jesus Episode would include a visit from Carson Kressley, formerly of Queer Eye For The Straight Guy, who, it has been speculated, is being brought on the show to give Jesus a makeover.

"Well, I can't say exactly what it's going to entail," said Kressley. "But, if it were to happen, I would expect to see a really modern haircut, maybe some highlights. Definitely a shave or, at the very least, a trim of the beard, you know, something to really accentuate those cheekbones of his. Jesus has GREAT cheekbones.

"As for his clothes, ANYTHING will be an improvement over those boring robes, right?" Kressley added.

Kressley hinted that there will definitely be some "fabulous footwear," noting that Jesus should be rather impressed with just how far society has come in terms of comfort and style in footwear since His time.

"Everyone's tired of seeing Jesus in his Birkenstocks; He's done it to death," Kressley said. "It's really time to modernize His look."

Calls to Jesus' agent were not returned.

- CAP News Staff

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