Tuesday | September 19, 2017
McCain Concedes, Blames Palin For Fucking It All Up

PHOENIX (CAP) - Just minutes after delivering his speech conceding the presidency to Barack Obama, John McCain sat down for an exclusive interview with CAP News where he revealed for the first time that he never wanted Sarah Palin as his running mate.

"It's true," admitted McCain. "The whole thing went down like a Three's Company style crazy series of misunderstandings, and it ended up costing me the White House."

McCain said it all started at the Republican Leadership Conference in Spokane back in January while he was sharing some little blue pills with Bob Dole. "And in walks the hottest piece of tail I've seen at a Republican Party event since Herbert Hoover brought his 18-year-old niece who worked part-time as a flapper to the 1928 National Convention in Kansas City," recalled McCain.

"So Bob tells me she's governor of Alaska, and I'm like, well, I'd love to show her my massive oil pipeline, if you know what I mean!" continued McCain. "In person, she doesn't even have that little scar on her chin like she does when she's on Saturday Night Live."

McCain said that led to Dole telling Mitt Romney he liked Sarah, even clarifying that he didn't just like her, he liked her liked her. That apparently led to the two discussing whether they should go tell Chairman Duncan that McCain wanted Palin as his running mate.

"I didn't even know what Mitt was talking about," Dole told CAP News during a later phone interview. "I thought he'd just said, tell Duncan John wants Sarah, so I was like, ahh, yeah, who doesn't?"

"All a misunderstanding," said McCain as he shook his head. "I told her to lick my erection, not wreck my election."

When CAP News asked McCain why he didn't straighten things out once he got his party's nomination, the Arizona senator said all he could picture was "how good her Symington Side Lacer and cloche hat would look balled up on my bedroom floor."

"Rumor around Washington was that she's got this unbelievable move called the Bridge To Nowhere that could put a guy my age into traction for a month," noted McCain. "I knew she'd kill my campaign, but it was worth it to take a shot at slapping around her Fairbanks and burying my head in her Juno."

Palin responded to McCain's comments by saying that a romance between the two would never work - as she's a woman who needs a lot more than a Nome.

- CAP News Staff

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