Tuesday | September 19, 2017
Report: Palin To Put McCain In Nursing Home
Sarah wheels John around to see what he thinks about his new home.

YOUNGSTOWN, Ohio (CAP) - In what may be the final, crushing blow to the June-December waltz of John McCain and Sarah Palin, CAP sources have learned that, if elected, the Alaska governor plans to immediately have the 72-year-old Arizona senator put in a nursing home and assume the powers of the presidency herself.

"It would be quick," said a Palin spokesman, who doubles as her personal shopper in New York City. "With her plans, it would make William Henry Harrison look like a presidential lifer."

According to multiple sources, Palin would use transitional summits to trick McCain into doing "crazy old-man" things like leaving the stove on, misplacing his keys, and overflowing the toilet. She would then abruptly move to have him placed in a secluded, yet tasteful, Arizona retirement community against his will.

"And we thought she was a whack job before," said a startled McCain aide.

Ever since her spur-of-the-moment selection as the vice presidential nominee, the 46-year-old Palin has drawn more attention to McCain's stature as potentially the oldest elected president in U.S. history. Often more resembling a granddaughter taking Papa to the 4 o'clock seating at the local Sizzler than a political equal, there has reportedly been a growing resentment between the two candidates ever since McCain concluded that she was both not that bright, and a big reason he will probably lose.

But Palin has been restless also as the smalltown girl suddenly whisked off to the big city by the rich elderly chap, who became determined never to return to her previous tired, limited existence. She was increasingly frustrated with McCain's unwillingness to go after Democtratic nominee Barack Obama's two-decade relationship with Rev. Jeremiah Wright and "hatin' America ways," as her ambition grew with each fitting at Saks Fifth Avenue.

"She not only wants to run the senate as its president, but run the executive branch as well," a Republican spokesman noted. "If I were a Supreme Court justice, I would hire a food taster because I think she's eyeing the trifecta."

Palin denied the plot as being "just another one of those gotcha, media conspiracies you see in all those newspapers I've never read," yet noted that even in the "unfortunate, unexpected, yet maybe inevitable, event" she had McCain pink-slipped, she would not let him spend his remaining days sitting alone in a rocking chair wandering into madness.

"She already has a plan for all those kids, and nieces and nephews, to visit him so she doesn't have to deal with them interfering with her being the most powerful women in the world," a source said. "With all the time Pussy, Willow, Trig, Track and Toe spend with him he will be as happy as an old fool.

"Which, of course, he was for picking her in the first place."

- CAP News Staff

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