Saturday | March 28, 2015
Morphine Scandal Rocks Vintage Base Ball Team
One of the vintage posters used to try to draw more fans to the games

STOWE, Mass. (CAP) - Players for the Stowe Northponders, part of the Massachusetts Base Ball League that plays using 1860s rules and uniforms, are under investigation for illegal morphine use, CAP News has learned.

"'Tis a sad day. I had thought this was a league of gentlemen," said Harold Fenniman, the league's umpire, clad in his standard uniform of long wool coat, vest, top hat and cane. "There will be fewer huzzahs from the sidelines this weekend, I can assure you that."

League president Burton "The Ox" Oxley acknowledged that morphine could be "a mighty salve" to the aches and pains associated with a rousing game of base ball. "But our gentlemen would never partake in such skullduggery," he insisted.

When asked about mandatory drug testing, he replied, "Have you no shame, sir? Besides, that wasn't invented until the mid-1900s."

According to sources close to the investigation, players potentially implicated in the probe include Harry "Zigzag" Unger, Freddy "Monkeyshines" Spinney and Julio "Beeswax" Gunderson.

"The trio did always seem jovial, but I always assumed they were just prone to partaking in a bit of bark juice before the contest," said Fenniman, apparently referring to something other than morphine.

According to a source close to the team who asked not to be identified, Spinney and Gunderson had been suspended for several games earlier in the season for "engaging in fisticuffs" with several Revolutionary War re-enactors. "But in their defense, those Revolutionary War fellows are a bunch of nobs," said the source.

"All I can say is we've had some complaints, and we're definitely looking into it," said Stowe Police Capt. Jim Halloway, admitting however that "the investigation is being hampered somewhat by the fact that I can't understand what the hell these idiots are talking about."

- CAP News Staff

SHARE STORY
MORE sports NEWS
RELATED STORIES
LEGAL
ALL MATERIAL IS

SATIRE

AND ©2005-2015 BY CAP NEWS
NFL announces plans not to broadcast half a dozen Oakland Raiders games next season, offers cash prizes for anyone who notices which ones «» Chicago Bulls point guard Derrick Rose to have leg replacement surgery, expects to be back in time for playoffs «» Newly retired Jeff Gordon cited for driving in breakdown lane, said he was "going nutty" sitting in traffic «» Patriots caught trying to sneak snow-making machine into University of Phoenix Stadium for competitive advantage during Super Bowl «» NFL says if Patriots had deflated footballs, their punt would have wedged in Josh Cribbs' facemask, not bounced off of it «» Newly released Mueller report says NFL did not even know Ray Rice had a girlfriend, thought he was beating up a hooker in the elevator «» NJ Gov. Chris Christie seeking bids from NFL owners to be their super fan during upcoming playoff games, vows to jump around like a jackass if team wins «» NSA offers voucher to Israel for free course on spying and other illicit surveillance to help them not get caught next time «» Starbucks nixes plans to raise awareness of racial inequality by allowing patrons to only purchase drinks that match the color of their skin «» Audubon Society reports birds returning to Massachusetts for spring are "confused as shit" and not sure where to go until it warms up «»
NFL announces plans not to broadcast half a dozen Oakland Raiders games next season, offers cash prizes for anyone who notices which ones «» Chicago Bulls point guard Derrick Rose to have leg replacement surgery, expects to be back in time for playoffs «» Newly retired Jeff Gordon cited for driving in breakdown lane, said he was "going nutty" sitting in traffic «» Patriots caught trying to sneak snow-making machine into University of Phoenix Stadium for competitive advantage during Super Bowl «» NFL says if Patriots had deflated footballs, their punt would have wedged in Josh Cribbs' facemask, not bounced off of it «» Newly released Mueller report says NFL did not even know Ray Rice had a girlfriend, thought he was beating up a hooker in the elevator «» NJ Gov. Chris Christie seeking bids from NFL owners to be their super fan during upcoming playoff games, vows to jump around like a jackass if team wins «» NSA offers voucher to Israel for free course on spying and other illicit surveillance to help them not get caught next time «» Starbucks nixes plans to raise awareness of racial inequality by allowing patrons to only purchase drinks that match the color of their skin «» Audubon Society reports birds returning to Massachusetts for spring are "confused as shit" and not sure where to go until it warms up «»