Tuesday | April 28, 2015
Morphine Scandal Rocks Vintage Base Ball Team
One of the vintage posters used to try to draw more fans to the games

STOWE, Mass. (CAP) - Players for the Stowe Northponders, part of the Massachusetts Base Ball League that plays using 1860s rules and uniforms, are under investigation for illegal morphine use, CAP News has learned.

"'Tis a sad day. I had thought this was a league of gentlemen," said Harold Fenniman, the league's umpire, clad in his standard uniform of long wool coat, vest, top hat and cane. "There will be fewer huzzahs from the sidelines this weekend, I can assure you that."

League president Burton "The Ox" Oxley acknowledged that morphine could be "a mighty salve" to the aches and pains associated with a rousing game of base ball. "But our gentlemen would never partake in such skullduggery," he insisted.

When asked about mandatory drug testing, he replied, "Have you no shame, sir? Besides, that wasn't invented until the mid-1900s."

According to sources close to the investigation, players potentially implicated in the probe include Harry "Zigzag" Unger, Freddy "Monkeyshines" Spinney and Julio "Beeswax" Gunderson.

"The trio did always seem jovial, but I always assumed they were just prone to partaking in a bit of bark juice before the contest," said Fenniman, apparently referring to something other than morphine.

According to a source close to the team who asked not to be identified, Spinney and Gunderson had been suspended for several games earlier in the season for "engaging in fisticuffs" with several Revolutionary War re-enactors. "But in their defense, those Revolutionary War fellows are a bunch of nobs," said the source.

"All I can say is we've had some complaints, and we're definitely looking into it," said Stowe Police Capt. Jim Halloway, admitting however that "the investigation is being hampered somewhat by the fact that I can't understand what the hell these idiots are talking about."

- CAP News Staff

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Massachusetts court upholds conversion therapy law that allows Red Sox fans to seek professional help for spouses who are Yankees fans «» Major League Baseball implements two-drink minimum at all stadiums to help fans forget just how much time they're spending at the park for a single game «» NFL announces plans not to broadcast half a dozen Oakland Raiders games next season, offers cash prizes for anyone who notices which ones «» Chicago Bulls point guard Derrick Rose to have leg replacement surgery, expects to be back in time for playoffs «» Quarterly spending reports are out and teenage girls again top the list of "Who Spends All Of Dad's Money On Clothes They'll Never Wear" «» After avoiding jail for sharing state secrets with his mistress biographer, David Petraeus said if he had to do it all over again, he would because "the sex was really, really good" «» New York City vows to reduce its output of white trash by 90% over next 10 years, promises better class of resident "to make country proud" «» New study finds that adults who breastfeed are 58% more likely to be ostracized by their peers and ridiculed for having a milk mustache «» A new poll finds 73% of those who would buy a consumer drone plan to use it to fire BB's at neighborhood dogs who come into their yard to poop «» Organizers of the 150th Anniversary Lincoln Assassination Reenactment say in hindsight, it may not have been a good idea to have Nicki Minaj perform "Bang Bang" «»