Thursday | September 3, 2015
Morphine Scandal Rocks Vintage Base Ball Team
One of the vintage posters used to try to draw more fans to the games

STOWE, Mass. (CAP) - Players for the Stowe Northponders, part of the Massachusetts Base Ball League that plays using 1860s rules and uniforms, are under investigation for illegal morphine use, CAP News has learned.

"'Tis a sad day. I had thought this was a league of gentlemen," said Harold Fenniman, the league's umpire, clad in his standard uniform of long wool coat, vest, top hat and cane. "There will be fewer huzzahs from the sidelines this weekend, I can assure you that."

League president Burton "The Ox" Oxley acknowledged that morphine could be "a mighty salve" to the aches and pains associated with a rousing game of base ball. "But our gentlemen would never partake in such skullduggery," he insisted.

When asked about mandatory drug testing, he replied, "Have you no shame, sir? Besides, that wasn't invented until the mid-1900s."

According to sources close to the investigation, players potentially implicated in the probe include Harry "Zigzag" Unger, Freddy "Monkeyshines" Spinney and Julio "Beeswax" Gunderson.

"The trio did always seem jovial, but I always assumed they were just prone to partaking in a bit of bark juice before the contest," said Fenniman, apparently referring to something other than morphine.

According to a source close to the team who asked not to be identified, Spinney and Gunderson had been suspended for several games earlier in the season for "engaging in fisticuffs" with several Revolutionary War re-enactors. "But in their defense, those Revolutionary War fellows are a bunch of nobs," said the source.

"All I can say is we've had some complaints, and we're definitely looking into it," said Stowe Police Capt. Jim Halloway, admitting however that "the investigation is being hampered somewhat by the fact that I can't understand what the hell these idiots are talking about."

- CAP News Staff

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President Obama visits Alaska, vows to reunite cast of 'Northern Exposure' for show's 20th anniversary «» Rowan County Clerk Kim Davis now refuses to offer marriage licenses to straight couples, saying after three divorces she just doesn't believe in marriage at all anymore «» Restaurant Mascots Association reports Jared Fogle no longer invited to summer outing, announces Grimace will bring the potato salad instead «» State Department investigation finds Hillary Clinton did email secret family recipes from her server, but either withheld or encrypted key ingredients «» Donald Trump is slamming White House plans to curb opioid addiction, saying it unfairly targets him and his supporters «» Restaurant Mascots Association reports Jared Fogle no longer invited to summer outing, announces Grimace will bring the potato salad instead «» State Department investigation finds Hillary Clinton did email secret family recipes from her server, but either withheld or encrypted key ingredients «» New survey finds most parents of young adult terrorists long for the days when kids were more apathetic and just played video games «»