Friday | November 24, 2017
Congress Okays Tax Refunds To Pay For Batman Tickets

WASHINGTON, D.C. (CAP) - Congress today began frantically working on a second economic stimulus package after a Wall Street Journal/MSNBC survey determined that Americans have blown the entirety of the first cash dump repeatedly going to see Batman.

"It's all gone," bemoaned Rachel Dawson-Creek, spokesman for House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA). "We hoped this would help Americans buy gas, pay their past-due mortgages or get some new back-to-school clothes for the kids. But, in two weeks, they blew it all watching a guy in a rubber suit fight some clown being played by a dead dude.

"Nice, huh?"

The summer blockbuster Batman Returns: The Dark Knight grossed $314 million in its first two weeks of release and House Democrats are feverishly trying to get more checks to more people before they dump a half-billion dollars of personal debt into the superhero epic in the next two weeks.

Not all are up for extending another stimulus payment based solely on the Batman phenomenon. Vice President Dick Cheney, who has long been suspected of being a superhero villian himself, said through a spokesman that hard choices have to be made about a society that cannot learn to protect itself from itself.

"Every time a civilization reaches the pinnacle of its decadence, we return to restore the balance," said cloaked Irish-accented spokesman Henri Ducard. "No one can save us now. When a forest grows too wild, a purging fire is inevitable and natural. Tomorrow the world will watch in horror as its greatest cities tears themselves apart, through fear."

Ducard then hinted there would be some inconsistency nationwide in the water pressure over the next 24 hours while a "harmless toxin, umm, chemical" is added to the supply, but added that American should make sure to stay well-hydrated during the summer heat.

He added that President Bush was powerless to veto the chaos agenda. "Like your father," he challenged, "you lack the courage to do all that is necessary."

A dizzy and confused Bush press secretary Dana Perino quickly replied: "All that is necessary? The President would have you know he is not doing anything at all for the remainder of his term. So there!"

Perino soon began mumbling something about scarecrows and went into a delirious fit before being escorted from the podium.

Meanwhile, presumptive Democratic nominee Barack Obama addressed the economic crisis, and impending downfall of the country, in front of another adoring crowd of a quarter-million young people in the safe confines of Berlin.

"People need dramatic examples to shake them out of apathy, and I can't do that as Barack Obama," the candidate boasted as he prepared to make the transition from political icon to international demigod. "As a man, I'm flesh and blood. I can be ignored, I can be destroyed. But as a symbol - as a symbol, I can be incorruptible. I can be everlasting."

"Oh, please," presumptive nominee John McCain retorted before abruptly dozing off.

- CAP News Staff

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