Friday | May 26, 2017
Tom Cruise To Oprah: I'm Running For President

CHICAGO (CAP) - In his first appearance on The Oprah Winfrey show since the infamous couch-jumping episode, Tom Cruise visibly caught Oprah totally off guard when he announced that he is throwing his hat into the ring for the 2008 Democratic presidential nomination.

"People think it's a two horse race, between Obama and Clinton," said Cruise, who was sitting upside down on his head in a leather reclining chair at the time. "But it's time for a new voice in town. And that voice is me."

Winfrey, an ardent Obama supporter, seemed genuinely surprised, and asked Cruise if he really thought he could jump in so late in the game and actually have a chance to win.

"Well," said Cruise, "this may seem like risky business to some, while others may think it's mission impossible, but I'm here to tell you that I am ready to make all the right moves, pull together a few good men, and take my place as the top gun.

"I know you, Oprah, and you're all about the minority report, but I'm here to bring days of thunder to the terrorists in our ongoing war of the worlds," Cruise added.

Cruise also noted that he would be the only candidate who could prepare America for the alien invasion, which is imminent, according to his Scientology beliefs.

"Hillary and Obama don't know about aliens," Cruise noted. "I do, I've done the research. I hate them both, they're just so smug."

Cruise then jumped into a crouching position in a rocking chair, appeared to pretend he was surfing, and continued by saying that he not only guaranteed victory in the Democratic nomination race, but in November and beyond.

"I can beat Clinton," Cruise pointed out. "I can beat Obama. I can beat McCain. Then, once I'm President of the United States, next I'll become High Commander of the Church of Scientology - the only new religion to take a mainstream hold in the last 150 years.

"Then, after that, I'm pretty sure that when the aliens come, I'll be able to conquer them and become their Overlord," Cruise rambled. "Then, pretty much all that's left would be Supreme Ruler of the Universe. Then it will be all Tom, all the time. Take that Travolta, you cream-puff! Cruise! Cruise! Cruise! Cruise! Cruise!"

Representatives from the Democratic National Committee refused to comment, other than to say that they had considered Cruise for a starring role in the upcoming movie The Hanging Chad, about the notorious 2000 presidential election.

- CAP News Staff

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