Friday | July 31, 2015
America's 6-Year-Olds Denounce The Wiggles
Young Palestinian children show their Wiggly support after hearing how their American counterparts are abandoning the Aussie singing group.

NEW YORK (CAP) - In a dramatic reversal, America's 6-year-old boys have officially denounced The Wiggles, the Australian performers known for their color-coded shirts and snappy songs about emus and fruit salad.

Hailed by the same group as recently as a couple years ago as being "cool" and "funny," the 6-year-olds now say The Wiggles are "for babies," according to a spokesman for the boys. One 6-year-old, who declined to give his name out of fear of retribution, even classified The Wiggles as "gay," although when pressed he admitted he didn't really know what the word meant.

The announcement drew immediate fire from the nation's 6-year-old girls, who classified the boys' stance as a typical flip-flop, not unlike in school where they're sometimes kind of nice and sometimes call the girls poop-heads.

"Boys are so weird," they said in a statement released through their publicist.

The boys have also withdrawn their support from Elmo, Dora the Explorer and the Teletubbies, opting instead to back Darth Vader, Spider-Man and the Power Rangers. They characterize these moves not as flip-flops but rather as changing their minds based on new evidence.

"Like that those first ones are for stupid babies," said Kevin Marples, 6, prompting his friends Dylan Cranmore and Trevor Mankiewicz, also 6, to laugh uncontrollably and then take turns making farting noises.

The 6-year-olds had no comment on the rumors that they were already being courted to denounce the Power Rangers et al in favor of professional sports teams, rappers and the PlayStation 3, citing ongoing negotiations. But one individual who declined to be named admitted that his older brother said his PlayStation 3 was "awesome," but that "he said if I touched it he'd pull my underwear up over my head."

Reached in Australia on his cell phone in the Big Red Car, Wiggles spokesman Anthony said he was disappointed to hear the group had lost the boys' endorsement, but that no matter what, fruit salad was still "yummy."

Then Jeff, the narcoleptic Wiggle, fell asleep at the wheel, causing the group to drive off the side of a cliff on Mount Ossa.

America's babies, meanwhile, were quick to embrace the 6-year-olds' castoffs. "We can think of no one we'd prefer to poop and burp to than The Wiggles and the Teletubbies," they said through a translator.

- CAP News Staff

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