Saturday | July 4, 2015
Report: Scientists Don't Know Shit
Available on newsstands next week!

ROCHESTER, NY (CAP) - A new study by researchers at the Rochester Institute of Technology, to be published in next week's edition of the journal Science, found that scientists don't khow shit about anything.

"We were surprised to find out exactly how much shit they don't know," said researcher Dr. Roderick Crawford. "I mean, they really don't know their asses from their elbows, in some cases literally."

"And by they, I of course mean myself and everybody I've ever worked with, which makes this more than a little awkward," he added.

The findings come in the wake of a recent admission by scientists that they had grossly underestimated the dangers posed by asteroids passing close to Earth. Originally they had determined that the chances of Earth being hit by a deadly asteroid to be one in approximately 34 billion; they revised those findings to reflect new data, which indicates the chances are about the same as those for being run over by a mid-size SUV.

But according to the new study, that was only the latest in a long line of thousands of examples of scientists not knowing shit about whatever it was they were talking about at the time. The study classifies more than 5,000 important scientific discoveries into the following categories:

* Total shit
* Shit
* Just plain wrong
* Close to being vaguely right
* Right

About 80 percent of the discoveries turned out to be total shit, with 17 percent falling into the next three categories, leaving only 3 percent that could be classified as right. "And we've pretty much determined those were all by accident, like when a monkey makes a real word out of alphabet blocks," said Dr. Crawford.

Not surprisingly, the findings have met with some criticism in the scientific community. "I'd argue that we know our shit much more than 3 percent of the time - I'd put it at closer to 8 or 9 percent at least," said Dr. Mark Phillips of the California Institute of Technology.

"Um - and I'm not just saying that because I need to justify all that grant money," he added.

But one prominent scientist who asked not to be named said the report was accurate, and maybe even gave scientists more credit than they were actually due. "I know I've just been making shit up for years," he said. "All we really do back at the laboratory is sit around drinking Nehi and playing World of Warcraft."

The study places scientists high on the list of professionals who don't know shit about their purported areas of expertise, which also includes pollsters, politicians, journalists, sportscasters and TV weathermen.

"Even philosophy professors do better, mainly because you can't prove their bullshit is wrong," said Dr. Crawford.

- CAP News Staff

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A new poll finds 73% of those who would buy a consumer drone plan to use it to fire BB's at neighborhood dogs who come into their yard to poop «» General Mills announces plans to discontinue its new cereal Diabeteos, acknowledges that the sugar content may be "a little high" «» Dept Of Veteran's Affairs to pay benefits to thousands of Vietnam War veterans who may have been exposed to Jane Fonda in the early '70s «» Society For Gay Racists up in arms over typo that has South Carolina calling for removal of the state's confederate fag «» LeBron James challenges Golden State to double or nothing, winner take all game of HORSE «» US State Department confirms that an airstrike has killed top al Qaeda leader Myhstar Belmyhstar in the Syrian port city of Kyrie «» Massachusetts woman accused of forcing elderly mother to commute with her to and from work in order to drive in HOV lane «» Taylor Swift says she plans to try speed dating because she's short on time and wants to pull together material for a new album «» Rick Perry to announce his 2016 presidential bid during opening statements of his public corruption trial «» Kim Kardashian announces she is pregnant, says she and Kanye plan to name the baby SXSW «»