Friday | November 24, 2017
Yankees Sign Guidry, Gossage To One-Year Deals
76-year-old Moose Skowron pauses for a photo op after signing a two-month deal to bat clean-up for the Yankees following the All-Star Break.

NEW YORK (CAP) - The New York Yankees continue to pull out all the stops in an attempt to save their fledgling season, announcing the signing of Yankee greats Ron Guidry and Goose Gossage to one-year deals. Both are expected to be on the 25-man active roster by the end of the month.

"The Yankee organization recognizes a deficiency in the product that we have put on the field so far this season," said club owner George Steinbrenner in a statement. "Therefore, we have taken steps to bring aboard players who only know how to do one thing, and that's win."

Yankees manager Joe Torre had known for a couple of days that a deal was in the works to add more players beyond just Roger Clemens. However, he reportedly told a friend he didn't figure the two players signed would have a combined age of 111.

"With this move, the Yankees are saying to the rest of the league, listen, we're the Yankees, and we've got the money to resurrect Lefty Gomez if we want to," said baseball analyst Peter Gammons during a phone interview with CAP News. "Other than that, I don't get it."

According to Yankee General Manager Brian Cashman, the two deals are worth a combined $43 million and do include the option to extend beyond the 2007 season. Cashman said they're also laden with incentives, including a $500,000 bonus if each pitcher can lace up his own cleats without assistance and walk to the mound without needing to be carried at all.

"Here I was, trying to get a deal done for Roger and [Randy] Hendricks is all text messaging me about two other people he wants me to talk to," said Cashman. "It's brilliant! If we can pull one guy out of retirement, why can't we pull three. Or five. Someone get me Dick Tidrow on the phone."

Cashman confirmed that the Yankees are indeed trying to sign Sparky Lyle for a possible pennant run. He said Steinbrenner had also inquired about bringing back Thurman Munson and that it took some convincing to explain to him why that wouldn't be possible.

- CAP News Staff

SHARE STORY
MORE sports NEWS
RELATED STORIES
LEGAL
ALL MATERIAL IS

SATIRE

AND ©2005-2017 BY CAP NEWS
Inspired by their Missouri brethren, Wolverine players refuse to take the field and will "focus solely on their studies" until the University retains more attractive cheerleaders «» Royals, Mets agree to blindfold random infielder every other inning to liven up the game, provide blooper reel footage when they cringe every time the ball is hit «» IBM engineers mark another milestone in artificial intelligence as Watson wins $250,000 on Fan Duel, will attempt to decipher teenage text lingo next «» New CDC study finds those who play fantasy sports do not actually reap the health benefits of the sport in question, are "just as fat and slothful" as their caloric intake would suggest «» Miami Dolphins appoint random autistic kid from United Way campaign as head coach, figure no one will notice the difference and they will save money «» Pope Francis to become first sitting Pope to provide color commentary for NFL during Giants game tonight, hopes to see "un buen futbol smashmouth" «» Tom Brady endorses Donald Trump, strikes deal with real estate mogul for supply of hot air to keep footballs legally inflated «» New England Patriots caught using two-headed quarter for coin toss during home opener, say rulebook doesn't "expressly" prohibit it «» Experts say the best way to combat this is to make Aunt Midge sleep on the pullout sofa which will wreak havoc on her sciatica and eventually force her to seek a better night's sleep at a local hotel «» Experts say terrorists have been hording coupons for Bell's stuffing for months, forcing many Americans to either pay full price or go with bland, dry generic boxed stuffing «» The man credited with inventing the "Safety Is My Goal" and "How Is My Driving?" bumper stickers that spoke for a generation of livery drivers succumbed to injuries sustained after being rear-ended by a box truck «» The limited-time only beverage is available in Rancid or Sludge flavors mixed with one or two scoops of yesterday's coffee grounds and is served in a black cup only to those who verbally denounce all organized religions when ordering «» The newly revamped tourist attraction will feature a gift shop, a food court, and a stack of three-ring binders with pictures of fish that visitors can thumb through «» The ACLU is fighting the company's decision to pull the popular t-shirts from store shelves, saying it will unfairly force society's outcasts back to shopping at K-Mart for their apparel needs «» Critics say while the shake is indeed delicious, it's too soon after the Russian airline disaster to try to capitalize on it and note the company should "give it another month or so" «» Instead, half a dozen moderators will take the stage and fire barbs at each of the candidates and then see who can provide the most sarcastic response in their absence «» Both Hewlett-Packard companies announce they're each splitting into five new companies to create a voicemail tree so complex that none of them will actually need any customer service reps to answer phones «» Jasmine V confirms she was knocked up by alien abductors, plans to keep the baby to help fight stereotypes of young Latina women who are pregnant with extraterrestrial offspring «» Federal government's plan to release thousands of non-violent prisoners contingent upon them to "remember what Uncle Barry did for you" and make sure they vote Democrat in the next election «» The Conservative Liberals In Transition Outreach Intervention Society announces its support of Hillary Clinton; CLITOrIS members say she brings "the right amount of vagina" to the table «»
Inspired by their Missouri brethren, Wolverine players refuse to take the field and will "focus solely on their studies" until the University retains more attractive cheerleaders «» Royals, Mets agree to blindfold random infielder every other inning to liven up the game, provide blooper reel footage when they cringe every time the ball is hit «» IBM engineers mark another milestone in artificial intelligence as Watson wins $250,000 on Fan Duel, will attempt to decipher teenage text lingo next «» New CDC study finds those who play fantasy sports do not actually reap the health benefits of the sport in question, are "just as fat and slothful" as their caloric intake would suggest «» Miami Dolphins appoint random autistic kid from United Way campaign as head coach, figure no one will notice the difference and they will save money «» Pope Francis to become first sitting Pope to provide color commentary for NFL during Giants game tonight, hopes to see "un buen futbol smashmouth" «» Tom Brady endorses Donald Trump, strikes deal with real estate mogul for supply of hot air to keep footballs legally inflated «» New England Patriots caught using two-headed quarter for coin toss during home opener, say rulebook doesn't "expressly" prohibit it «» Experts say the best way to combat this is to make Aunt Midge sleep on the pullout sofa which will wreak havoc on her sciatica and eventually force her to seek a better night's sleep at a local hotel «» Experts say terrorists have been hording coupons for Bell's stuffing for months, forcing many Americans to either pay full price or go with bland, dry generic boxed stuffing «» The man credited with inventing the "Safety Is My Goal" and "How Is My Driving?" bumper stickers that spoke for a generation of livery drivers succumbed to injuries sustained after being rear-ended by a box truck «» The limited-time only beverage is available in Rancid or Sludge flavors mixed with one or two scoops of yesterday's coffee grounds and is served in a black cup only to those who verbally denounce all organized religions when ordering «» The newly revamped tourist attraction will feature a gift shop, a food court, and a stack of three-ring binders with pictures of fish that visitors can thumb through «» The ACLU is fighting the company's decision to pull the popular t-shirts from store shelves, saying it will unfairly force society's outcasts back to shopping at K-Mart for their apparel needs «» Critics say while the shake is indeed delicious, it's too soon after the Russian airline disaster to try to capitalize on it and note the company should "give it another month or so" «» Instead, half a dozen moderators will take the stage and fire barbs at each of the candidates and then see who can provide the most sarcastic response in their absence «» Both Hewlett-Packard companies announce they're each splitting into five new companies to create a voicemail tree so complex that none of them will actually need any customer service reps to answer phones «» Jasmine V confirms she was knocked up by alien abductors, plans to keep the baby to help fight stereotypes of young Latina women who are pregnant with extraterrestrial offspring «» Federal government's plan to release thousands of non-violent prisoners contingent upon them to "remember what Uncle Barry did for you" and make sure they vote Democrat in the next election «» The Conservative Liberals In Transition Outreach Intervention Society announces its support of Hillary Clinton; CLITOrIS members say she brings "the right amount of vagina" to the table «»