WASHINGTON (CAP) - The US Postal Service today announced a new program that will allow for the assignment of individual ZIP Codes directly to people with large enough egos. In the running for the first "EGO-ZIP" are talk-show hostess Oprah Winfrey and singer/author Madonna, both of whom tested high on the USPS Ego Quotient exam.
"We're leaning towards Oprah," said Postmaster General John E. Potter. "Both gals have enormous egos, but we're not sure if Madonna qualifies for a US ZIP, being that she's British."
When CAP News explained to Potter that Madonna was actually born in Bay City, the Postmaster General seemed genuinely perplexed. "Michigan? Really? Why does she have an English accent? Are you sure? That's just weird," he said.
Neither starlet could be reached for comment, but a representative for Oprah's publicist did say that her representative would contact a representative for the representative of her manager's lawyer's stylist's representative, and that representative would refer the matter to a representative from the promotions department for Harpo Productions, who would put the matter on a list that could possibly be put into a drawing of potential topics that may be referenced to Oprah's dog walker.
"If they give Oprah her own ZIP code, then that will become my ZIP code," said long-time Oprah parasite Gayle King. "I kid you not. I will actually include this new ZIP code in my return address on letters and other correspondence going forward. Oprah. Oprah! OPRAH!"
Early reports that Tom Cruise would receive the first EGO-ZIP turned out to be "malicious rumors" according to the Cruise camp.
"Scientologists don't believe in the ZIP code system," said a Cruise confidant who spoke on the condition of anonymity. "So Tom would never go for that. Exercise and vitamins will eventually render ZIP codes obsolete."
- CAP News Staff