Sunday | May 24, 2015
Mid-West Cooties Outbreak Tops 100
A scientist at the Centers for Cooties Control performs testing on the latest strain to afflict the American public.

TERRE HAUTE, Ind. (CAP) - The government reissued its warning yesterday as four more children in Indiana were diagnosed with Cooties, bringing the total to 103 sick across eight states. Health experts say it's the worst outbreak in 27 years.

"We cannot emphasize enough the importance of dressing children in long sleeves and avoiding contact with the opposite sex," said Dr. Drew Coleer at the Centers for Cooties Control in Atlanta. "It is parental apathy that is causing this outbreak to remain unchecked."

The first reports of Cooties infections came to the CCC from Arlington Heights, Ill. last month and quickly spread to nearby states. Although health officials had no problem pinpointing the origin of the outbreak, Coleer said that knowledge did nothing to curb the disease.

"We know that 8-year-old Amanda Lee didn't self-immunize with a verbal Cooties shot before coming in contact with classmate Tommy Bailey," said Coleer. "And she might have been fine had her friends not told her she had Cooties. Bailey then went on to infect 11 other girls that day."

Previous outbreaks of Cooties have typically remained confined to a classroom, or at worst a school. According to Secretary of Health and Human Services Sylvia Burwell, no outbreak has ever been as widespread geographically as this one.

"We are investigating the possibility that Cooties can be contracted over the Internet," said Burwell. "Sites like Snapchat, Instagram and Facebook add a new dimension to this battle that we've not seen before. This could be of epidemic proportions in the blink of an eye."

Burwell is asking parents to be vigilant of their children's use of those and other community-oriented websites and to report any suspicious activity directly to her office.

- CAP News Staff

SHARE STORY
MORE health NEWS
RELATED STORIES
LEGAL
ALL MATERIAL IS

SATIRE

AND ©2005-2015 BY CAP NEWS
New study finds that adults who breastfeed are 58% more likely to be ostracized by their peers and ridiculed for having a milk mustache «» New survey finds 73% of Americans feel like a nut 54% of the time, while 63% of Americans don't 47% of the time «» JP Morgan Chase to dismantle Detroit and sell it for parts, saying the demand overseas for after market American cities is strong «» Taylor Swift reveals she was behind extreme censoring of Kanye West song at Billboard Music Awards, telling him "Imma not let you finish" «» ISIS rebels capture another Iraqi city Americans have never heard of but are led to believe is "very important" «» NJ Gov. Chris Christie shuts down Rt 93 in New Hampshire during campaign stops to remind residents why it would be in their interest to elect him president «» America's homophobes lobby in favor of gay marriage to "keep them off the streets" and protect the sanctity of the bar scene for straight men «» NFL announces plans to give up its law exempt status and will have players stop committing crimes and start obeying the law beginning next season «» Protesters in Baltimore are congratulating themselves on "a job well done" and say Freddie Gray would have wanted nothing more than for them to destroy their hometown and all get arrested «» Quarterly spending reports are out and teenage girls again top the list of "Who Spends All Of Dad's Money On Clothes They'll Never Wear" «»
New study finds that adults who breastfeed are 58% more likely to be ostracized by their peers and ridiculed for having a milk mustache «» New survey finds 73% of Americans feel like a nut 54% of the time, while 63% of Americans don't 47% of the time «» JP Morgan Chase to dismantle Detroit and sell it for parts, saying the demand overseas for after market American cities is strong «» Taylor Swift reveals she was behind extreme censoring of Kanye West song at Billboard Music Awards, telling him "Imma not let you finish" «» ISIS rebels capture another Iraqi city Americans have never heard of but are led to believe is "very important" «» NJ Gov. Chris Christie shuts down Rt 93 in New Hampshire during campaign stops to remind residents why it would be in their interest to elect him president «» America's homophobes lobby in favor of gay marriage to "keep them off the streets" and protect the sanctity of the bar scene for straight men «» NFL announces plans to give up its law exempt status and will have players stop committing crimes and start obeying the law beginning next season «» Protesters in Baltimore are congratulating themselves on "a job well done" and say Freddie Gray would have wanted nothing more than for them to destroy their hometown and all get arrested «» Quarterly spending reports are out and teenage girls again top the list of "Who Spends All Of Dad's Money On Clothes They'll Never Wear" «»