Tuesday | August 4, 2015
CDC: It's Time To Panic
CDC Human Subjects Manager Marnie Richmond demonstrates each of the stages of effective panic.

ATLANTA, Ga. (CAP) - The Centers for Disease Control has announced that panic season has officially begun this year, and has recommended that people immediately begin working themselves up into a state of debilitating, irrational fear over diseases they're extremely unlikely to get.

"People often wonder when it's the proper time to start panicking," noted Arthur Canterbury of the CDC. "As a general rule of thumb, if August comes and no one has slapped you in the face and told you to calm down, you've probably put off panicking a little too long."

The CDC suggests people panic initially over West Nile virus, and work up to hysteria over Eastern Equine Encephalitis. Both are carried by mosquitoes, so basic panic should definitely include covering yourself and in a thick down parka no matter what the weather, and sealing yourself and your family in an airtight room until December.

Beyond that, the center offers the following suggestions for effective panic:

1.) Hyperventilating;

2.) Curling up in the fetal position;

3.) Disconsolate sobbing;

4.) Screaming "We're all gonna die!"

5.) Soiling yourself.

This year's panic season is expected to be especially lively due to the Rocky Mountain spotted fever, despite the fact that only, like, one person has gotten it and the World Health Organization recently admitted to basically making it up so they'd have something to do. Sources say it's akin to the big to-do from last year's Florida frenzy over Dengue fever or the avian flu a few years back.

"A disease you catch from chickens?" said WHO's assistant director, Margaret Chan Fung Fu-chun. "I mean, come on."

Still, the CDC suggests that everyone takes the precaution of stockpiling three months worth of canned goods and ammunition, and arming everyone in the family with a loaded shotgun.

"If anyone even comes up to your front door, just blow the bastard's head off," said Canterbury. "Even if they're not carrying a disease, they may be a Jehovah's Witness."

- CAP News Staff

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General Mills announces plans to discontinue its new cereal Diabeteos, acknowledges that the sugar content may be "a little high" «» New study finds that adults who breastfeed are 58% more likely to be ostracized by their peers and ridiculed for having a milk mustache «» Dept Of Veteran's Affairs to pay benefits to thousands of Vietnam War veterans who may have been exposed to Jane Fonda in the early '70s «» Society For Gay Racists up in arms over typo that has South Carolina calling for removal of the state's confederate fag «» LeBron James challenges Golden State to double or nothing, winner take all game of HORSE «» US State Department confirms that an airstrike has killed top al Qaeda leader Myhstar Belmyhstar in the Syrian port city of Kyrie «» Massachusetts woman accused of forcing elderly mother to commute with her to and from work in order to drive in HOV lane «» Taylor Swift says she plans to try speed dating because she's short on time and wants to pull together material for a new album «» Rick Perry to announce his 2016 presidential bid during opening statements of his public corruption trial «» Kim Kardashian announces she is pregnant, says she and Kanye plan to name the baby SXSW «»