Sunday | November 23, 2014
CDC: It's Time To Panic
CDC Human Subjects Manager Marnie Richmond demonstrates each of the stages of effective panic.

ATLANTA, Ga. (CAP) - The Centers for Disease Control has announced that panic season has officially begun this year, and has recommended that people immediately begin working themselves up into a state of debilitating, irrational fear over diseases they're extremely unlikely to get.

"People often wonder when it's the proper time to start panicking," noted Arthur Canterbury of the CDC. "As a general rule of thumb, if August comes and no one has slapped you in the face and told you to calm down, you've probably put off panicking a little too long."

The CDC suggests people panic initially over West Nile virus, and work up to hysteria over Eastern Equine Encephalitis. Both are carried by mosquitoes, so basic panic should definitely include covering yourself and in a thick down parka no matter what the weather, and sealing yourself and your family in an airtight room until December.

Beyond that, the center offers the following suggestions for effective panic:

1.) Hyperventilating;

2.) Curling up in the fetal position;

3.) Disconsolate sobbing;

4.) Screaming "We're all gonna die!"

5.) Soiling yourself.

This year's panic season is expected to be especially lively due to the Rocky Mountain spotted fever, despite the fact that only, like, one person has gotten it and the World Health Organization recently admitted to basically making it up so they'd have something to do. Sources say it's akin to the big to-do from last year's Florida frenzy over Dengue fever or the avian flu a few years back.

"A disease you catch from chickens?" said WHO's assistant director, Margaret Chan Fung Fu-chun. "I mean, come on."

Still, the CDC suggests that everyone takes the precaution of stockpiling three months worth of canned goods and ammunition, and arming everyone in the family with a loaded shotgun.

"If anyone even comes up to your front door, just blow the bastard's head off," said Canterbury. "Even if they're not carrying a disease, they may be a Jehovah's Witness."

- CAP News Staff

SHARE STORY
MORE health NEWS
RELATED STORIES
LEGAL
ALL MATERIAL IS

SATIRE

AND ©2005-2014 BY CAP NEWS
CBS airs pilot of new mini-series "Little Immigrant On The Prairie" instead of Obama speech, wins ratings for night «» NBC airs video of two dogs humping instead of Obama speech, asks viewers to pick which one represents legal American citizens «» ABC airs rerun of old Reagan speech instead of Obama address, panics nation into thinking Russia is going to bomb the U.S. «» Alternative taxi service Uber comes under fire for not disinfecting back seats after a different kind of "ride sharing" «» Conair ships 20,000 hairdryers to Buffalo so residents can begin melting their way out while still maintaining fabulous hair «» Pope Francis gives America nine months to "clean up your gays" ahead of his visit next fall «» CBS cancels new Bill Cosby show, "Women Make The Darnedest Allegations" «» Detroit celebrates exiting bankruptcy with subprime mortgages for the first 10,000 unqualified homebuyers who can falsify a loan application in under 60 seconds «» Quarterback Peyton Manning asks to join Detroit Lions "just for this week" so he can try one more time to beat the Patriots «» A survey of children under the age of six finds that most never thought they'd see the day when gas prices dropped below $3 per gallon «»
CBS airs pilot of new mini-series "Little Immigrant On The Prairie" instead of Obama speech, wins ratings for night «» NBC airs video of two dogs humping instead of Obama speech, asks viewers to pick which one represents legal American citizens «» ABC airs rerun of old Reagan speech instead of Obama address, panics nation into thinking Russia is going to bomb the U.S. «» Alternative taxi service Uber comes under fire for not disinfecting back seats after a different kind of "ride sharing" «» Conair ships 20,000 hairdryers to Buffalo so residents can begin melting their way out while still maintaining fabulous hair «» Pope Francis gives America nine months to "clean up your gays" ahead of his visit next fall «» CBS cancels new Bill Cosby show, "Women Make The Darnedest Allegations" «» Detroit celebrates exiting bankruptcy with subprime mortgages for the first 10,000 unqualified homebuyers who can falsify a loan application in under 60 seconds «» Quarterback Peyton Manning asks to join Detroit Lions "just for this week" so he can try one more time to beat the Patriots «» A survey of children under the age of six finds that most never thought they'd see the day when gas prices dropped below $3 per gallon «»