Friday | September 4, 2015
CDC: It's Time To Panic
CDC Human Subjects Manager Marnie Richmond demonstrates each of the stages of effective panic.

ATLANTA, Ga. (CAP) - The Centers for Disease Control has announced that panic season has officially begun this year, and has recommended that people immediately begin working themselves up into a state of debilitating, irrational fear over diseases they're extremely unlikely to get.

"People often wonder when it's the proper time to start panicking," noted Arthur Canterbury of the CDC. "As a general rule of thumb, if August comes and no one has slapped you in the face and told you to calm down, you've probably put off panicking a little too long."

The CDC suggests people panic initially over West Nile virus, and work up to hysteria over Eastern Equine Encephalitis. Both are carried by mosquitoes, so basic panic should definitely include covering yourself and in a thick down parka no matter what the weather, and sealing yourself and your family in an airtight room until December.

Beyond that, the center offers the following suggestions for effective panic:

1.) Hyperventilating;

2.) Curling up in the fetal position;

3.) Disconsolate sobbing;

4.) Screaming "We're all gonna die!"

5.) Soiling yourself.

This year's panic season is expected to be especially lively due to the Rocky Mountain spotted fever, despite the fact that only, like, one person has gotten it and the World Health Organization recently admitted to basically making it up so they'd have something to do. Sources say it's akin to the big to-do from last year's Florida frenzy over Dengue fever or the avian flu a few years back.

"A disease you catch from chickens?" said WHO's assistant director, Margaret Chan Fung Fu-chun. "I mean, come on."

Still, the CDC suggests that everyone takes the precaution of stockpiling three months worth of canned goods and ammunition, and arming everyone in the family with a loaded shotgun.

"If anyone even comes up to your front door, just blow the bastard's head off," said Canterbury. "Even if they're not carrying a disease, they may be a Jehovah's Witness."

- CAP News Staff

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President Obama visits Alaska, vows to reunite cast of 'Northern Exposure' for show's 20th anniversary «» Rowan County Clerk Kim Davis now refuses to offer marriage licenses to straight couples, saying after three divorces she just doesn't believe in marriage at all anymore «» Restaurant Mascots Association reports Jared Fogle no longer invited to summer outing, announces Grimace will bring the potato salad instead «» State Department investigation finds Hillary Clinton did email secret family recipes from her server, but either withheld or encrypted key ingredients «» Donald Trump is slamming White House plans to curb opioid addiction, saying it unfairly targets him and his supporters «» Restaurant Mascots Association reports Jared Fogle no longer invited to summer outing, announces Grimace will bring the potato salad instead «» State Department investigation finds Hillary Clinton did email secret family recipes from her server, but either withheld or encrypted key ingredients «» New survey finds most parents of young adult terrorists long for the days when kids were more apathetic and just played video games «»