Tuesday | August 30, 2016
End Times Scheduled For Friday

RICHMOND, Vir. (CAP) - When asked to pinpoint the exact time of the Rapture - that moment when God calls the faithful to Heaven and launches the Apocalypse - the Reverend Billy Joe Moses was emphatic.

"Friday," he said, thumping his cane and gazing longingly to the heavens. To back up his claim, he then proceeded to rattle off a convoluted series of biblical passages that even impressed CAP News' own veteran Religion Correspondent Sammy Jay Bakker.

"Jesus Christ, it was amazing," recalled Bakker. "He was tying together passages from the Book of Esteban, the 438th (or Hari) Psalm, the gospel version of Candle In The Wind - it may be complete nonsense, but he sure put a lot of work into it."

The latest escalation of violence in the Middle East, the fighting that has broken out in Egypt, the constant bickering between Alex Rodriguez and the Yankees - all of this has religious fundamentalists in the states seeing a golden opportunity to leave their fake pink flamingos and NASCAR commemorative plates behind.

And they're not the only ones looking forward in anticipation.

Lawyers are raking in the bucks helping the faithful settle their affairs. Sales of Beam Me Up Jesus! bumper stickers are soaring, a boon to many retailers who have seen purchases of NRA stickers and Support The Troops magnets lag of late.

Democrats are looking to sweep every election going forward when red states turn into ghost towns. And the greedy? Well, they get everything left behind.

"We're just waiting," said Eddie Boone from his lawn chair. He and a dozen friends have been camped outside the estate of Richmond's wealthiest, and most religious, resident for the past two weeks, claiming dibs on everything visible outside the mansion, from boats to decorative lamp posts.

"I'm in for that outdoor table and chairs set down by the pool there," Boone said, pointing. "It'll look great outside the trailer."

Boone and his friends then began pondering whether Sarah Palin would be left behind or not and if so, whether she might consider wearing less clothes more often.

Regardless of when the Rapture occurs, we here at CAP News will continue to bring you complete coverage. Trust us, we aren't going anywhere.

- Rich Gray
Contributing Writer

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The man credited with inventing the "Safety Is My Goal" and "How Is My Driving?" bumper stickers that spoke for a generation of livery drivers succumbed to injuries sustained after being rear-ended by a box truck «» The newly revamped tourist attraction will feature a gift shop, a food court, and a stack of three-ring binders with pictures of fish that visitors can thumb through «» Federal government's plan to release thousands of non-violent prisoners contingent upon them to "remember what Uncle Barry did for you" and make sure they vote Democrat in the next election «» New education reform bill replaces D's and F's with frownie-face stickers to soften the blow and help kids "feel successful even in their failures" «» Congressional oversight committee says it has "new information" and is reopening Iran-Contra investigation, will have Oliver North testify as soon as Hillary Clinton is done «» Judge Judy to replace Ruth Bader Ginsburg on Supreme Court as part of effort to bring more wit and sarcasm to proceedings and appeal to 18-49 demographic «» President Obama invites kindergarten student to White House whose finger and thumb were mistaken for a gun at recess, but Secret Service has him wear a mitten on the hand "just in case" «» Rowan County Clerk Kim Davis now refuses to offer marriage licenses to straight couples, saying after three divorces she just doesn't believe in marriage at all anymore «» State Department investigation finds Hillary Clinton did email secret family recipes from her server, but either withheld or encrypted key ingredients «» Experts say the best way to combat this is to make Aunt Midge sleep on the pullout sofa which will wreak havoc on her sciatica and eventually force her to seek a better night's sleep at a local hotel «» Experts say terrorists have been hording coupons for Bell's stuffing for months, forcing many Americans to either pay full price or go with bland, dry generic boxed stuffing «» The limited-time only beverage is available in Rancid or Sludge flavors mixed with one or two scoops of yesterday's coffee grounds and is served in a black cup only to those who verbally denounce all organized religions when ordering «» Inspired by their Missouri brethren, Wolverine players refuse to take the field and will "focus solely on their studies" until the University retains more attractive cheerleaders «» The ACLU is fighting the company's decision to pull the popular t-shirts from store shelves, saying it will unfairly force society's outcasts back to shopping at K-Mart for their apparel needs «» Critics say while the shake is indeed delicious, it's too soon after the Russian airline disaster to try to capitalize on it and note the company should "give it another month or so" «» Instead, half a dozen moderators will take the stage and fire barbs at each of the candidates and then see who can provide the most sarcastic response in their absence «» Both Hewlett-Packard companies announce they're each splitting into five new companies to create a voicemail tree so complex that none of them will actually need any customer service reps to answer phones «» Jasmine V confirms she was knocked up by alien abductors, plans to keep the baby to help fight stereotypes of young Latina women who are pregnant with extraterrestrial offspring «» The Conservative Liberals In Transition Outreach Intervention Society announces its support of Hillary Clinton; CLITOrIS members say she brings "the right amount of vagina" to the table «» New Halloween app Treatr allows kids to tap pictures of neighborhood houses to trick or treat, saves "all that time walking" and increases candy acquisition rates by 72% «»