WASHINGTON (CAP) - CAP News has obtained the transcript of an upcoming speech by President Bush that contains the startling revelation that Floam, the microbeaded ubertoy adored by friendless kids around the world with access to cable or satellite TV, is the top secret alternative fuel to which he's been alluding in his speeches since his State of the Union address in January.
According to Bush, alternative energy will be a new energy alternative for millions of Americans addicted to oil.
"It's squishy," said Bush as he made squishing motions with his hands. "It's stretchy, and it will cover just about anything. And soon Floam will be powering our automobiles, trucks, boats, and eventually our flying cars."
It will be the only fuel source to date that you will be able to squish back into its container when you're done, or let it harden and keep it forever - much like Vice President Dick Cheney.
In a multimedia presentation set to run with the speech, the Vice President is shown modeling Floam. He is holding a bright green flask one of his grandchildren created for him.
For nearly a decade Floam has been "fun you can feel", giving millions of Bedazzlered-out kids the opportunity to embellish toys and clothes with a substance akin to fluorescent bubbly sink calking.
In a White House ceremony scheduled for later this spring to promote the new fuel source, First Lady Laura Bush will transform a plain dollhouse into a Floamtastic mansion.
Coincidentally, a columnist for the Washington Post last week published a letter Bush wrote to a friend in college that suggests Bush has been 'researching' this alternative for quite a while. In the letter, Bush touted the hallucinogenic effects of "setting Floam on fire and then snorting the ashes." Bush told his Yale classmate that the high was "like licking your own cotton candy-flavored testicles."
- John Gettings