Tuesday | March 28, 2017
U.S. Refuses Half-Time Aid To Hamas Government
Steelers fans gather outside the Al-Idra building in Ramallah to cheer their team to victory in the Superbowl

DETROIT (CAP) - The United States wants other nations to cut off aid to the new Palestinian government in wake of recent news that Hamas has thrown its support behind the Pittsburgh Steelers in this week's Superbowl. Condoleeza Rice ruled out any U.S. assistance to get snacks to the West Bank in time for the big game.

"The United States is not prepared to fund an organization that roots for the Steelers," Rice said. "They are the biggest cry-babies in the NFL. Seattle has never won a Superbowl. Come on, who's the obvious choice?"

Half-time help to the Palestinians is likely on a "case-by-case basis," Rice said. She indicated that Seahawk-fan sleeper cells do exist in the region and can expect aid in the form of those little hot dogs later in the week.

"Those terrorist Americans can take their snackie snacks and shove them - wait, did you say little hot dogs?" Mahmoud al-Zahar, the top Hamas official in Gaza, told a group of gathered reporters. "Is that with or without the tangy sauce?"

al-Zahar reportedly had his top assistant killed after learning he had been stuck with the numbers zero and eight in the Ramallah Superbowl Squares pool.

Hamas' unexpected electoral victory has put to rest questions about Palestine's possible AFC leanings throughout the NFL playoffs. Hamas has publicly stated they do not recognize the Seattle Seahawks.

- CAP News Staff

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