Monday | March 30, 2015
West Virginia Proud Of New Roadkill Law
Whoo-wee, them's some good eatin'!

CHARLESTON, W.Va. (CAP) - Residents of West Virginia are rejoicing today after a decision by the state Senate to allow vehicle operators to collect and eat their roadkill.

This decision confirms the rest of the country's notion that West Virginians are indeed a bit bizarre, and have been snacking on squirrels, birds, and the occasional cat without anyone else knowing.

Proponents of the new law say if drivers will eat their roadkill, then the state can save money by not having to pay highway workers to remove the bodies. That money could then in turn be spent on a huge chain link fence to surround the state so none of those wackos gets out.

Opponents of the law say it's not right to carve up the carcass of an animal who was killed while simply trying to cross the road. However, these same people don't seem to have a problem with firing a shotgun at one of these creatures while it stands peacefully in the forest.

"I would not like it known that I voted for West Virginians to eat road kill," said Sen. Elizabeth Slate. "But, I guess since I'm telling this to the media, there's really no way to hide it now."

State Senators attached numerous ryders to the bill in order to get it passed. The bill does not allow for people to drive their vehicles through the front walls of restaurants in order to get some free food, and it is not applicable for humans who are hit by cars.

However, vehicle operators are allowed to swerve and hit an animal they think looks particularly tasty, provided that animal is not on a leash being walked by a human.

- CAP News Staff

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A letter sent to the White House has tested positive for proper grammar and punctuation, leading to speculation that it must have come from overseas «» New York latest state to ban sneezing while driving, calling it the third most distracting event for drivers behind texting and masturbation «» Justice Department issues subpoena for all computer files related to Hillary Clinton's 2012 online journal, "My Benghazi Blog" «» President Obama urging Americans to take part in the Homeland Security magazine drive to help fund the country's anti-terrorism efforts after the department's budget runs out this Friday «» President Obama concludes trip through Midwest to explain salient points from State Of The Union for that part of the country that only reads at a third grade level «» American comedians announce indefinite hiatus on "smelly Frenchman" jokes to give nation time to heal, will heckle Portuguese instead «» NSA offers voucher to Israel for free course on spying and other illicit surveillance to help them not get caught next time «» NFL announces plans not to broadcast half a dozen Oakland Raiders games next season, offers cash prizes for anyone who notices which ones «» Starbucks nixes plans to raise awareness of racial inequality by allowing patrons to only purchase drinks that match the color of their skin «» Audubon Society reports birds returning to Massachusetts for spring are "confused as shit" and not sure where to go until it warms up «»