Thursday | January 29, 2015
West Virginia Proud Of New Roadkill Law
Whoo-wee, them's some good eatin'!

CHARLESTON, W.Va. (CAP) - Residents of West Virginia are rejoicing today after a decision by the state Senate to allow vehicle operators to collect and eat their roadkill.

This decision confirms the rest of the country's notion that West Virginians are indeed a bit bizarre, and have been snacking on squirrels, birds, and the occasional cat without anyone else knowing.

Proponents of the new law say if drivers will eat their roadkill, then the state can save money by not having to pay highway workers to remove the bodies. That money could then in turn be spent on a huge chain link fence to surround the state so none of those wackos gets out.

Opponents of the law say it's not right to carve up the carcass of an animal who was killed while simply trying to cross the road. However, these same people don't seem to have a problem with firing a shotgun at one of these creatures while it stands peacefully in the forest.

"I would not like it known that I voted for West Virginians to eat road kill," said Sen. Elizabeth Slate. "But, I guess since I'm telling this to the media, there's really no way to hide it now."

State Senators attached numerous ryders to the bill in order to get it passed. The bill does not allow for people to drive their vehicles through the front walls of restaurants in order to get some free food, and it is not applicable for humans who are hit by cars.

However, vehicle operators are allowed to swerve and hit an animal they think looks particularly tasty, provided that animal is not on a leash being walked by a human.

- CAP News Staff

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President Obama concludes trip through Midwest to explain salient points from State Of The Union for that part of the country that only reads at a third grade level «» American comedians announce indefinite hiatus on "smelly Frenchman" jokes to give nation time to heal, will heckle Portuguese instead «» U.S. State Department denies it is behind putting glue on Kim Jong-un's toilet seat, where he was stuck for nine hours yesterday «» The National Association for the Advancement of Colored Double Amputees launches nationwide protests against police brutality of unarmed black men «» CIA sends 200 agents to UDC Community College for waterboarding refresher course to prepare for up and coming international terrorist groups «» Nation's blacks unsure who to turn to for sage advice on Ferguson situation now that Bill Cosby is just a sexual predator «» Detroit celebrates exiting bankruptcy with subprime mortgages for the first 10,000 unqualified homebuyers who can falsify a loan application in under 60 seconds «» Congress passes new 'Right To Lie' law for politicians with less than six months left to serve before re-election «» Patriots caught trying to sneak snow-making machine into University of Phoenix Stadium for competitive advantage during Super Bowl «» Body of deceased Saudi King Abdullah bin Abdulaziz to be placed in high pressure kiln and turned into limited edition collectible crude oil «»