Saturday | May 30, 2015
West Virginia Proud Of New Roadkill Law
Whoo-wee, them's some good eatin'!

CHARLESTON, W.Va. (CAP) - Residents of West Virginia are rejoicing today after a decision by the state Senate to allow vehicle operators to collect and eat their roadkill.

This decision confirms the rest of the country's notion that West Virginians are indeed a bit bizarre, and have been snacking on squirrels, birds, and the occasional cat without anyone else knowing.

Proponents of the new law say if drivers will eat their roadkill, then the state can save money by not having to pay highway workers to remove the bodies. That money could then in turn be spent on a huge chain link fence to surround the state so none of those wackos gets out.

Opponents of the law say it's not right to carve up the carcass of an animal who was killed while simply trying to cross the road. However, these same people don't seem to have a problem with firing a shotgun at one of these creatures while it stands peacefully in the forest.

"I would not like it known that I voted for West Virginians to eat road kill," said Sen. Elizabeth Slate. "But, I guess since I'm telling this to the media, there's really no way to hide it now."

State Senators attached numerous ryders to the bill in order to get it passed. The bill does not allow for people to drive their vehicles through the front walls of restaurants in order to get some free food, and it is not applicable for humans who are hit by cars.

However, vehicle operators are allowed to swerve and hit an animal they think looks particularly tasty, provided that animal is not on a leash being walked by a human.

- CAP News Staff

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World Trade Organization approves putting 'Country Of Origin' labels on immigrants coming into the US to help Americans better target their discrimination «» America's homophobes lobby in favor of gay marriage to "keep them off the streets" and protect the sanctity of the bar scene for straight men «» Protesters in Baltimore are congratulating themselves on "a job well done" and say Freddie Gray would have wanted nothing more than for them to destroy their hometown and all get arrested «» After avoiding jail for sharing state secrets with his mistress biographer, David Petraeus said if he had to do it all over again, he would because "the sex was really, really good" «» New York City vows to reduce its output of white trash by 90% over next 10 years, promises better class of resident "to make country proud" «» Utah becomes first state to offer stoning as death penalty option, saying it's a criminal's right to have their head bashed in «» A letter sent to the White House has tested positive for proper grammar and punctuation, leading to speculation that it must have come from overseas «» New York latest state to ban sneezing while driving, calling it the third most distracting event for drivers behind texting and masturbation «» Justice Department issues subpoena for all computer files related to Hillary Clinton's 2012 online journal, "My Benghazi Blog" «» JP Morgan Chase to dismantle Detroit and sell it for parts, saying the demand overseas for after market American cities is strong «»