Monday | February 19, 2018
ISIS Takes Credit For Relatives Overstaying Welcome At Thanksgiving
Experts say the best way to combat this is to make Aunt Midge sleep on the pullout sofa which will wreak havoc on her sciatica and eventually force her to seek a better night's sleep at a local hotel
McDonald's New Sharmel Shake Available Only For Limited Time
Critics say while the shake is indeed delicious, it's too soon after the Russian airline disaster to try to capitalize on it and note the company should "give it another month or so"
Putin Sends Obama Map Of Middle East, Circles Syria
Russian President Vladimir Putin sends President Obama map of the Middle East with Syria circled, suggests the U.S. "try bombing over here instead"
China Hacks White House Sprinklers, Makes Muddy Mess Of West Lawn
Chinese President Xi Jinping storms off, condemns U.S. after President Obama refuses to share White House wifi password during dignitary's visit
world BRIEFS
Pope Says Way To Catholic Hearts Is Through Their Stomachs
Pope Francis announces new line of All-Beef Vatican Hot Dogs with proceeds of Pope's Franks benefiting victims of clergy abuse
Iran Posts Extra Nuclear Parts On Freecyle; Syria Scoops Them Up
White House switchboard lighting up with calls from other Middle Eastern nations looking for that "sweet nuclear deal" that Iran got
Walmart To Close Syria Store As Refugees Flee To Target
Instead of just 40%, Walmart says it will now donate 65% of proceeds to the Syrian refugee crisis from the sale of its "I Fled Syria And All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt" t-shirts
Parents Of Young Terrorists Wish Kids Were More Apathetic
New survey finds most parents of young adult terrorists long for the days when kids were more apathetic and just played video games
ISIS Takes Credit For Increased Cost Of Thanksgiving Dinner
Experts say terrorists have been hording coupons for Bell's stuffing for months, forcing many Americans to either pay full price or go with bland, dry generic boxed stuffing
Russ Coleman, Famed Author Of Pithy Bumper Sticker Sayings, Dead At 83
The man credited with inventing the "Safety Is My Goal" and "How Is My Driving?" bumper stickers that spoke for a generation of livery drivers succumbed to injuries sustained after being rear-ended by a box truck
Starbucks Introduces New Heathen Holiday Blend
Michigan Football Team Boycotts Game Over Ugly Cheerleaders
SeaWorld To Phase Out Anything Sea-Related, Will Reopen As 'World'
  • American Eagle To Stop Carrying "Pedophiles Aren't Made, They're Born" T-Shirts
  • Next GOP Debate To Feature None Of The Candidates
  • Hewlett-Packard's Two New Companies Each Split Into Five More
  • Jasmine V Pregnant With Alien Love Child
  • Obama To Release Thousands Of Prisoners If They Promise To Vote Democrat
  • Anti-Gun Pro-Climate Feminist Activists Say This Election Platform Made For Them
U.S. Refuses Half-Time Aid To Hamas Government


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