Monday | February 19, 2018
Michigan Football Team Boycotts Game Over Ugly Cheerleaders
Inspired by their Missouri brethren, Wolverine players refuse to take the field and will "focus solely on their studies" until the University retains more attractive cheerleaders
Mets, Royals To Blindfold Shortstops For Next Game
Royals, Mets agree to blindfold random infielder every other inning to liven up the game, provide blooper reel footage when they cringe every time the ball is hit
IBM's Watson Computer Wins $250,000 On Fantasy Football Site
IBM engineers mark another milestone in artificial intelligence as Watson wins $250,000 on Fan Duel, will attempt to decipher teenage text lingo next
Tall Black Men Not Necessarily Good At Fantasy Basketball, Study Finds
New CDC study finds those who play fantasy sports do not actually reap the health benefits of the sport in question, are "just as fat and slothful" as their caloric intake would suggest
sports BRIEFS
Miami Dolphins Hire Autistic Child To Replace Joe Philbin
Miami Dolphins appoint random autistic kid from United Way campaign as head coach, figure no one will notice the difference and they will save money
Pope Francis Bets Giants To Beat Spread Vs Redskins
Pope Francis to become first sitting Pope to provide color commentary for NFL during Giants game tonight, hopes to see "un buen futbol smashmouth"
Millionaire Endorses Millionaire To Lead Bourgeois
Tom Brady endorses Donald Trump, strikes deal with real estate mogul for supply of hot air to keep footballs legally inflated
Patriots Caught Using Two-Headed Quarter For Coin Toss
New England Patriots caught using two-headed quarter for coin toss during home opener, say rulebook doesn't "expressly" prohibit it
ISIS Takes Credit For Relatives Overstaying Welcome At Thanksgiving
Experts say the best way to combat this is to make Aunt Midge sleep on the pullout sofa which will wreak havoc on her sciatica and eventually force her to seek a better night's sleep at a local hotel
ISIS Takes Credit For Increased Cost Of Thanksgiving Dinner
Experts say terrorists have been hording coupons for Bell's stuffing for months, forcing many Americans to either pay full price or go with bland, dry generic boxed stuffing
Russ Coleman, Famed Author Of Pithy Bumper Sticker Sayings, Dead At 83
Starbucks Introduces New Heathen Holiday Blend
SeaWorld To Phase Out Anything Sea-Related, Will Reopen As 'World'
  • American Eagle To Stop Carrying "Pedophiles Aren't Made, They're Born" T-Shirts
  • McDonald's New Sharmel Shake Available Only For Limited Time
  • Next GOP Debate To Feature None Of The Candidates
  • Hewlett-Packard's Two New Companies Each Split Into Five More
  • Jasmine V Pregnant With Alien Love Child
  • Obama To Release Thousands Of Prisoners If They Promise To Vote Democrat
Ticket Holders Attempt Mass Suicide After Yankee Loss


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