Monday | February 19, 2018
Next GOP Debate To Feature None Of The Candidates
Instead, half a dozen moderators will take the stage and fire barbs at each of the candidates and then see who can provide the most sarcastic response in their absence
TOP politics STORIES
Anti-Gun Pro-Climate Feminist Activists Say This Election Platform Made For Them
The Conservative Liberals In Transition Outreach Intervention Society announces its support of Hillary Clinton; CLITOrIS members say she brings "the right amount of vagina" to the table
Joe Biden Consults Magic Eight Ball For Election Decision
Advisors say Joe Biden turning to his trusty Magic Eight Ball to determine potential presidential bid with early indications pointing to a hazy reply and needing to ask again later
Jim Webb Still Waiting To Get A Word In
Democratic presidential candidate Jim Webb to host his own debate so he can do all the talking, not have to wait
politics BRIEFS
Loser Of House Duck, Duck, Goose Game To Be Appointed Speaker
After a spirited round of Hot Potato failed to produce a nominee for Speaker, House Republicans have decided the loser or their weekly Duck, Duck, Goose game will get the post
Boehner Posts Resume On Monster, Can't Even Get Recruiter To Call
John Boehner disillusioned at lack of jobs for someone who only works nine months per year; says he would teach but "how can anyone live off of that?"
Ben Carson Releases List Of Positions Muslims Can Hold
Ben Carson publishes list of traits he finds unacceptable in a president, including shifty eyes, a taste for light beer, and anyone who did not like Goldie Hawn in Bird On A Wire
Carly Fiorina Stops Kissing Babies On Campaign Trail, Cuts Crying By 60%
Republican presidential candidates unite against Carly Fiorina's face, vow to continue 200-year streak of bland white guy options with or without toupee
Hillary Clinton Vows To Dress Better Than Angela Merkel If Elected
Hillary Clinton says she will not apologize for wearing white after Labor Day while Secretary Of State, noting that it was "approved attire" by the State Department at the time
Trump Blasts Anti-Opioid Efforts, Says His Supporters Need Them
Donald Trump is slamming White House plans to curb opioid addiction, saying it unfairly targets him and his supporters
politics TRENDING
ISIS Takes Credit For Relatives Overstaying Welcome At Thanksgiving
ISIS Takes Credit For Increased Cost Of Thanksgiving Dinner
Russ Coleman, Famed Author Of Pithy Bumper Sticker Sayings, Dead At 83
  • Starbucks Introduces New Heathen Holiday Blend
  • Michigan Football Team Boycotts Game Over Ugly Cheerleaders
  • SeaWorld To Phase Out Anything Sea-Related, Will Reopen As 'World'
  • American Eagle To Stop Carrying "Pedophiles Aren't Made, They're Born" T-Shirts
  • McDonald's New Sharmel Shake Available Only For Limited Time
  • Hewlett-Packard's Two New Companies Each Split Into Five More
McCain Rickrolls Obama


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